


Muffled Melodies

by Hyperionova



Series: Silent Syllables [3]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, Kids Sekai, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life, Social Anxiety, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:53:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22562791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyperionova/pseuds/Hyperionova
Summary: Kai is having the time of his life at college. Meanwhile, Sehun struggles to get used to Kai's absence. But their ship is heading for the rocks.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Series: Silent Syllables [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1392178
Comments: 95
Kudos: 590





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Story contains explicit smut scenes.

It was like any other Saturday in the suburbs. Families were having dinner together. Friends were out having the most fun they could in the midst of wintertime.

Sehun was set on his bed, curled up in his duvet with his fuzzy socks on. The cup of hot chocolate he had made to go with the bowl of popcorn had gone lukewarm now. Kai still was not online, and he was not replying to any of Sehun’s recent messages.

Sehun was beginning to lose hope. It was not the first time Kai had flaked on their video chat dates. In fact, he had lost count of all the times Kai had stood him up after promising to spend the evening with him, watching a movie together or just talking until one of them fell asleep.

As much as he tried to understand that Kai had a life of his own, and college life was not easy, it was still a bitter pill for him to swallow.

He hugged his legs to his chest and rested his head on his knees, rocking himself to the song that was playing on his computer while he waited for Kai to show up.

“ _Every now and then I get a little bit lonely_ ,” he starts singing along. “ _And you’re never coming around… Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears. Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by. Every now and then I get a little bit terrified. And then I see the look in your eyes. Every now and then I fall apart_.”

He should not be listening to these songs. He had grown up with them, though. These were the songs his father constantly listened to after the passing of his mother. Listening to them only made him sadder. But he could not help himself.

“ _Once upon a time I was falling in love… Now I'm only falling apart. There’s nothing I can do… A total eclipse of the heart_.” He stopped himself when he heard the knock on the door.

His father entered with his usual cheerful smile. “Hey, kiddo,” he said. “What are you listening to over there?”

“Bonnie Tyler,” Sehun muttered, muting his computer. He sniffled and sat up straighter. “I’m just… waiting for Kai. We were going to watch a movie together.”

“Oh, yeah?” His father walked over to the bed and took a seat on the edge. “It’s getting kind of late, though. Don’t you want to come down and have dinner?”

Sehun shook his head. “I’m not hungry. Besides,” he sighed, glancing over to the nightstand. “I have popcorn.”

His father pressed his lips into a thin line and nodded. “All right, champ,” he let out and rose from the bed. “I’ll put the leftovers in the fridge. If you get hungry later, just reheat it.”

“Okay, Dad.”

His father paused at the door, glancing back to Sehun. “Are you all right?” he inquired. Sehun bowed his head.

“I’m fine, Dad,” he murmured.

His father licked his lips, scratching the back of his head. “Sehun, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

Sehun nodded, blinking at his father.

“Good,” said his father. “So, don’t… bottle anything up. Whatever it is that you’re going through, don’t keep me in the dark. Okay?”

“I won’t, Dad,” Sehun promised, even though he was certain that he already was. His father had been very supportive of him and his relationship with Kai in the past. But he was not sure just how supportive he would be of the relationship if he knew that Kai had been distancing himself more and more from Sehun with each day.

Sehun did not want to hear someone tell him that this was not right. He did not want to hear anyone say that this should end. He did not think that he would be able to handle that.

“Good night, then,” his father said before he left Sehun to his thoughts and heartbreak songs.

He ended up waiting until midnight for Kai.

Kai probably forgot about it. That was his usual reason for missing their chats and online dates. His other excuses included sudden invitations from friends, assignment deadlines he needed to meet, or just exhaustion.

Sehun had decided to go to college after all. For Literature. But only a year later than Kai. And the college he had gotten into was nowhere near the one Kai was at. In a few more months, Sehun was worried that there would be even more distance between them than now.

As the clock struck twelve, he broke into tears while Roxette’s _It Must Have Been Love_ played in the background.

* * *

Kai spilled into his dorm room, nearly tripping over his own foot and kissing the ground. He caught himself, however, before he could fall. Cursing under his breath, he shut the door behind him and dragged himself over to the single bed of his.

He plumped down on it heavily and started yanking his shoes off. He was dead on his feet. Basketball practice had taken longer than he had expected it to earlier today. He had to meet up with his study group in the afternoon to brush up for the oncoming exams. Then when some of his friends invited him out to a party in the evening, he could not say no. Not that he wanted to, though. He loved working hard and playing just as hard. That was the best thing about college. It was going to be the best four years of his life. He wanted to make the most of it.

Fishing his dead phone out of his back pocket, he plugged it in and left it on the bed to charge before he rose from his seat and stumbled toward the shared bathroom. He could not wait to empty his bladder and hit the sack already. Luckily for him, not only was he worn out, he was also completely out of his gourd, well liquored up from the party.

When he returned to the bed, he did not bother to take his socks off as he collapsed on it, face down. He picked his phone up once to check for notifications. There were two missed calls and three unread messages. They were all from one person.

“Shit,” he hissed to himself and shifted to lie on his back. It was past midnight. Sehun was probably already asleep, so Kai decided to text him instead of calling him.

Barely keeping his eyes open, he typed, _Sorry, I missed the videocall. Something came up. I’ll call you tomorrow. Good night._

God, he messed up once again. Though he did not have the energy to brood over the fact that he had forgotten their date again, he knew that he desperately needed to make it up to Sehun for all the broken promises lately. Perhaps after the exams.

* * *

Sehun jumped with a start in his seat when Kai joined him at his table in the cafeteria. “Hey,” he said, sinking in one of the chairs.

Sehun licked his lips and wiped them shyly with a sheet of clean baby wipes he kept his schoolbag. He hoped he did not have any crumbs from his sandwich sticking to the corners of his mouth.

He wondered where Kai’s friends were. They were always at his side, well, whenever Sehun was not around that was. They were not comfortable with Kai hanging out with Sehun, and frankly, Sehun was not comfortable hanging out with anyone but Kai.

Sehun was not sure if Kai were his friend. It had been a few months since Kai had started talking to him. And though he had terrified Sehun in the beginning, when he had slapped the jellybeans out of Sehun’s hands on the sidewalk and shouted at him, Sehun had now grown to like Kai’s presence. His heart still galloped nervously like it always did when he was around people, but this was different. He was more excited than scared when it came to Kai.

Sometimes, Kai sat so close to him that Sehun was afraid that his little heart would explode. He even told his father about it the other day. His father had chuckled and told him that his “little heart” was not going to explode just because of a boy. But Sehun really believed that it could.

“I forgot my lunch money,” Kai grumbled, planting his chin in his hands, elbows set on the table. He was scowling but not at Sehun.

Sehun blinked at him. _Oh, no_ , he thought to himself. He lowered his peanut butter sandwich and held it out to Kai.

Kai’s eyes widened. “No, I don’t want _your_ lunch,” he said.

Sehun nudged the sandwich closer to Kai. “Take it,” he whispered, careful not to attract any attention from the other kids in the cafeteria. He usually stayed back in one of the empty classrooms during lunchbreak, but he was unable to today since the teacher asked everyone to leave.

“No, seriously,” Kai said, sliding the sandwich back to Sehun. “I’m not that hungry.”

Sehun frowned. He picked the sandwich up and tore a small piece from it for himself before handing the rest back to Kai. “Please.”

Kai was staring at him now. His unreadable expression made Sehun anxious, so he dropped his head and kept his gaze low on the hunk of sandwich he was holding in his hands.

Sighing, Kai grabbed the sandwich and said, “Thanks. I’ll pay you back with some jellybeans for this.”

Sehun lifted his gaze and looked at Kai, shocked.

“You like jellybeans, right?” Kai asked, sinking a bite into the sandwich.

Sehun blushed as blood filled his cheeks and nodded. He lowered his head again, smiling embarrassedly.

* * *

When he came out to put out a bowl of milk for the new stray cat he had adopted in the morning, he found Mrs. Kim struggling with the lawnmower on her front lawn.

Sehun gave the kitty a quick petting before he hurried across the street and wended his way over to Kai’s house.

“Mrs. Kim,” he called, smiling. It had taken him a long time to be comfortable around Kai’s family. But he was finally there now. And Kai’s parents always treated him so nicely. There was nothing that Sehun would complain about them. They knew of Sehun’s problem, and they did everything they could to make him feel at home around them. “Good morning.”

Straightening up, Kai’s mother greeted him with a tired smile. “Oh, good morning, Sehun.” She huffed, turning the lawnmower off.

“Having trouble, Mrs. Kim?” Sehun asked, nodding to the lawnmower.

Exhaling heavily, she replied, “Kai used to do this. His father is always at work. So, it’s up to me now. The grass has gotten too long. This thing is heavy.”

Sehun walked over to her and took hold of the lawnmower. She stepped aside, eyebrows rising. “I’ll mow the lawn for you, Mrs. Kim. Just let me know whenever you need my help.”

“Oh, darling,” she let out. “you don’t have to do that.”

“It’s all right,” he replied. “I don’t have much going on at the moment either. I’m happy to help.”

“You’re a life saver, Sehun,” Kai’s mother scoffed. “God bless you.”

As she headed back inside, Sehun got on with the mowing. After he was done, Mrs. Kim invited him inside for a tall glass of iced lemon tea.

“Sit, sit,” she said, ushering Sehun toward the kitchen island.

Taking his seat on one of the stools, Sehun accepted the glass of iced tea from Mrs. Kim. “Thank you.”

“No. Thank _you_ ,” she said, smiling pleasantly. “You really saved me a whole day of back pain. You’re such a good kid, Sehun.”

Sehun blushed and took a sip of the tea, holding the glass with both hands out of habit.

“Your father raised you so well,” Mrs. Kim added. “I’ve been meaning to tell you that for quite some time, Sehun. Both you and your dad.”

Sehun wished that she would stop. He never knew how to respond to praises. Especially one like this. No one had ever told him that he was a good kid and that his father had done a good job raising him. He knew that she meant well, but it still made him wonder how he would have grown up if his mother had been around, too.

She took her seat at the island with her own glass of iced tea. “What are you plans for the future then?” she asked.

Sehun placed the glass down. “I’m going away to college later this year, Mrs. Kim.”

“Oh, not you too,” she sighed, rubbing her temples. “It’s going to get really lonely around here.”

Sehun smiled, though he felt a sharp pain in his chest. Perhaps he was not the only one who had been feeling lonely lately. He wondered if Kai had been ignoring his parents as well. If he were too busy to even call up his family once in a while, Sehun could see how he would have any time for a boyfriend.

Sehun was probably being too dependent on Kai. Clingy. That was Sehun’s fault, not Kai’s. He should manage his expectations, and he should learn to rely less on his lover.

“Sehun?”

Blinking, Sehun looked up at Kai’s mother. “Yes?”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You just seemed like you were lost in your thoughts for a moment there.”

Sehun sighed.

“Have you… spoken with Kai lately?” she asked.

Sehun clenched his trembling hands. “We… texted,” he whispered. “He seems busy with… exams.”

“Yeah,” she breathed out. “He just seems very excited about college. But trust me, that feeling of excitement wears off eventually, and he will start getting homesick.”

Sehun did not want to wait until Kai got homesick for him to start thinking about him. He was Kai’s boyfriend. Should he not always be in Kai’s thought and prayer? Like Kai was in his all the time? Was it unfair that Sehun was expecting such attention from Kai? He did not think that he was asking much. A call. Once a week. Was that too much?

He just missed Kai a lot.

He looked away from Mrs. Kim and frowned. “I just… miss him.”

Kai’s mother was quiet for a moment, her face wilting. “Honey,” she said at length. “I know. It’s hard. You two have been together for so long. Being apart from each other must be difficult. I can understand.”

Except that Sehun was not sure that it was as difficult for Kai as it was for him. And _that_ was unfair. Kai loved him just much as Sehun loved him. So, why was it not harder for Kai to be away from Sehun?

Was it because he had other distractions? Perhaps Sehun should also get his own distractions.

After missing their video chat date last night, Kai had sent him a message at an ungodly hour, saying that he was sorry and that something had come up. Though Sehun had been awake when he received the text message, tossing and turning on his bed sleeplessly, he did not reply. Kai did not sound like he wanted to hold a conversation at the moment in the message he had sent. So, Sehun replied as soon as he woke up in the morning instead.

He simply texted Kai back, _It’s okay. Please, call me soon. I love you._

“But, Sehun,” Kai’s mother said after a moment. “you must remember that you two are growing up now. Things… won’t be the same, no matter how hard you try.”

Sehun was not sure why his heart was breaking in half hearing that. He wanted things to stay the same forever. He wanted Kai to be the same boy who would hold his hand to cross the street, even when they were all grown up.

But then Mrs. Kim added, “Sometimes for the better.”

Sehun blinked at that.

“We _need_ change in life, Sehun. It is what will help us to keep moving forward. I’m sure this is tough on you. Distance is always tough. But I can only advise you to be patient. A little patience takes you a long way. Trust me.”

Sehun drew in a deep breath and nodded. “I will, Mrs. Kim,” he muttered. “I… love Kai… a lot. I’d do anything for him.”

Mrs. Kim looked touched. She smiled and patted Sehun’s arm lovingly. “I’m so glad to hear that. Don’t give up on him, okay?”

Sehun bowed his head and smiled back. He was not planning on ever giving up on Kai. That was not a thought that had ever crossed his mind. It was simply not an option. He was sad, yes. But he would never give up on Kai over this little conflict. Kai would never give up on him, would he?

“Why don’t you go and surprise him at his campus one day?” Kai’s mother suggested.

The idea instantly made Sehun’s heart skip a beat. He was not sure if it were because he was nervous of going to a place he had never been to before to look for his boyfriend or because it sounded so romantic. Like in the movies. Would Kai like it if Sehun surprised him at his college?

“You think… that’s a good… idea?” he asked, still blushing feverishly. He only got to see Kai during the holidays. So, it would be nice if he could see him in between the holidays, too.

“Of course,” said Mrs. Kim. “He would be thrilled! Besides, you seem like you really miss him. Just for a day. Or a weekend. Don’t you think that would be great?”

Sehun grinned then. “I have never really thought about it.” But it sounded like a good idea. If only he could muster the courage to head over to Kai’s campus on his own.

When he got home later, he found his father in his study rifling through a pile of papers. “Dad?” he called, entering the room.

“Yes, Sehun,” he said without looking up from his papers. “Why do you smell like grass?”

“Oh, I just helped Mrs. Kim mow her lawn,” he said, walking over to the desk his father was sitting at.

“Really?” His father raised his head then and glimpsed Sehun briefly through his glasses before he dropped his head again. “That’s nice of you.”

Sehun smiled to himself, taking pleasure in his father’s approval. “Dad,” he let out. “Would it be okay if I went to see Kai for a weekend?”

His father looked up at him with bulging eyes now. “What?”

Sehun rubbed an arm with a hand. “I really miss him,” he muttered, embarrassed. “Only for the weekend. Please?”

His father chuckled then. “Sehun, you are an adult. While I’m glad that you still ask for my permission to go and see your own boyfriend, I don’t think you _need_ to. Informing me about your whereabouts would be enough.”

Sehun licked his smiling lips. “So, I can go?”

Nodding, his father said, “Of course. It’s not that far. I can even drop you and pick you up.”

“Oh, no. That won’t be necessary. I can take the train.”

“Are you sure? You’ve never gone on the train alone.”

That was true. Sehun never really went anywhere alone. Though his chronic selective mutism had gotten a little better over the years, it was still very bad. And paired with his social anxiety, he preferred to never go anywhere he needed to make conversation. But he was growing up, and like Mrs. Kim said, some things needed to change for the better. And perhaps _he_ needed to change for Kai.

He did not lie when he said that he would do anything for Kai.

“I think I will be all right, Dad,” Sehun said. “Besides, didn’t you just say that I’m an adult now? I shouldn’t expect my dad to hold my hand through everything.”

To be fair, Kai had been holding his hand through most of the obstacles he had faced in the last few years.

“Can you feed the cats while I’m gone?” he asked his father.

The man heaved a heavy sigh. “Must I?”

Sehun frowned at him then. “Yes. Please? Just leave out some food and milk for them.”

“Fine,” his father said at last, smiling. “Don’t worry. I’ll look after your strays.”

Sehun leaned over the desk to give his father a hug before he hurried out of the room to book the train tickets. He should also make a list of things he needed to take with him. Oh! He should stop by the candy store sometime during the week to get Kai his favourite chocolate.

* * *

“Here,” Kai said when he showed up at the table Sehun was sitting at on his own during lunchbreak. Sehun looked up at him, holding his sandwich in his hands. Kai slid a small carton of milk over to him.

Sehun blinked at it. “Milk?” he said in a shy whisper.

“Yeah,” said Kai, plumping in one of the chairs closer to Sehun. “You gave me your sandwich yesterday. I’ll treat you to a milk today.”

Sehun picked up the carton and inspected it for a moment. He wanted to refuse. It was the politest thing to do. Besides, he was not expecting any favours in return. But he did not say anything because he simply did not want to speak.

So, he took the milk carton and opened it. He glanced over to Kai to see if he were looking. He was. In fact, he was _staring_ at Sehun.

It seemed like he was eager to watch Sehun drink the milk.

Sehun poked the straw into the carton and took a small sip. He then held the milk back to Kai. “Oh, I don’t want any. I’m not a baby to drink milk,” scoffed Kai, leaning back in his chair, hands on the back of his head.

Sehun nodded gently and lowered his gaze to the milk carton in his hands. “I like it,” he let out in a voice so low that he was not sure if Kai could even hear it.

“Really?” said Kai, sitting up straight again. He looked around them for a moment before he leaned in and said, “I will send over milk every day if you want.”

Sehun kept his head down because he was afraid that he was blushing. His cheeks got too red when he was embarrassed. He could not tell if Kai were making fun of him or if he were being serious. If it was the latter, then it was the nicest gesture ever.

Sehun might have found a friend. And he did not think that he would ever make a single friend in his life.

He took another sip of the milk, still keeping his eyes low and away from Kai’s.

“Baby,” Kai scoffed and shot up from his seat before he coolly marched over to the table where the rest of his friends were.

When Sehun got home that day, he told his father all about Kai buying him milk at the cafeteria. And then he asked his father if he were still a baby because he most certainly did not want to be one, especially if it were something that Kai frowned upon. Gideon often bullied Sehun, calling him a baby. A crybaby. Sehun did not want to be one anymore. He wanted to be a big, tough boy like Kai. But he could never. He could not even muster the courage to speak in public. How was he ever going to be as tough as Kai…

Perhaps it had begun then. Sehun’s strive to make himself better and different in as many ways as he could so that he could be someone that Kai would like and love.

* * *

It had been another long, busy day. But Kai was happy about getting to bed a couple of hours earlier than usual, even though he needed to be up early tomorrow.

Sprawling across his bed after stripping down to his boxers and his favourite _Star Trek_ T-shirt, he picked his phone up and texted Sehun.

_Are you still up?_

Sehun was quick to reply. He always was. He might be uncomfortable speaking out loud, but he was never bad at _communicating_. In fact, there were so many ways in which he communicated that did not involve spoken words. It was truly beautiful and impressive. He could express a lot with just the arch of an eyebrow. Kai adored that about him. It had never felt quiet when he was with Sehun. Even the way he held Kai’s hand recited stanzas.

 _Yes,_ replied Sehun.

_Can I call you?_

_Yes._

Sehun picked up on the first ring. He said nothing. He never said hello first. “Hey,” Kai muttered.

“Hey,” whispered Sehun in reply. He sounded as gentle and shy as ever. Kai grinned to himself and turned onto his side on the bed.

“How was your day?” he asked.

“Okay,” Sehun said. “Yours?”

“Busy,” answered Kai with a sigh. “But I’ll be done with the last exam tomorrow. I miss you.”

Sehun was quiet for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice quivered, and it sounded like had a lump in his throat. “I miss you, too.”

Kai smiled. “I can’t wait to see you again.”

“Me too,” he breathed out. “I mowed your mother’s lawn the other day.”

“The hell is that code for?!”

“Kai…” Sehun sighed.

God, Sehun made it so difficult for Kai to not jump on a bus right this instant and head home. This was part of the reason why Kai did not mind not talking to him all the time. The more they talked, the more he missed Sehun, and the more difficult it became for him to stay away from Sehun. This long-distance thing was a fool’s game. He despised it.

“I’m just joking, baby. Say that again,” Kai said. Sometimes, he could be a bit of a masochist that enjoyed the pain. It almost felt like a treat, though.

“Say… what?” Sehun asked.

Kai licked his lips. “The way you just whispered my name.”

Sehun was quiet for a length, probably blushing to death on the other end of the line. “Kai,” he said it again, in whispers, sounding embarrassed.

“Yes, Sehun,” Kai replied, exhaling shakily.

“Stop,” Sehun mewled.

“Wish I could.”

They talked a bit more before Sehun told Kai that he sounded tired and that he should sleep. Kai agreed, even though he wanted nothing more than to talk to Sehun all night long. He knew his body would not cooperate, however.

“Good night,” Sehun said.

“Wait,” Kai rasped. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

He could hear Sehun gulping. “You… say it… first.”

Kai did not argue with him on that. “All right,” he murmured. “I love you.”

Sehun took a moment to respond. Kai would not be surprised if the boy were hugging the life out of his pillow on his bed and squealing in silence right now.

“Your turn,” said Kai, smiling to himself.

“I love you, too,” Sehun whispered at length, sounding nearly breathless.

“How much?” asked Kai.

“ _Kai_ ,” Sehun moaned, and Kai could tell that the boy was blushing to death on the other end of the line.

Kai let out another trembling breath, running a hand through his hair as he shifted to lie on his back. “God, you’re making it so difficult for me to stay put.” He slid one hand into his boxers as he spoke, tucking his other hand under his head.

“Come home more often, then,” said Sehun and there was an edge to his tone.

Kai clenched his eyes shut, hand fisting around his hardening shaft. “I wish I could.”

Sehun fell silent again.

“You never said how much you love me,” Kai let out, lips quivering as he sucked in a deep breath, stroking himself. “Sehun…”

“A little more than Pickles.”

Kai paused and blinked. “I’m confused. You’re comparing me to _pickles_?”

“Pickles is a new cat in the neighbourhood,” sighed Sehun. “He comes over every morning for some milk and tuna. He has no tail. I think it got chopped off.”

“Wow,” Kai breathed out and withdrew his hand from his boxers. “Way to ruin the mood, babe.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Nothing.” Kai rubbed his eyes. “Anyway, I need to get up early tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Sehun muttered. “Good night.”

“Good night, Sehun.”

They did not hang up immediately, however. Kai stayed on the line, listening to the sound of Sehun’s breathing. College had been keeping him busy, yes. But Kai was beginning to miss the simplicity of home. He did not mean to say that Sehun was simple. But he made things easy for Kai. It had always been easy to be around him, to love him.

He was grateful for how distracted college had been keeping him, though. Otherwise, he might lose his mind missing Sehun and aching for him.

He eventually fell asleep without ending the call. That night, he dreamed of Sehun and his shy kisses.

* * *

“Sehun, do you know where babies come from?” Kai asked one day as they set on the sidewalk after a bike ride, adoring the sunset colours that streaked and painted the darkening evening sky.

Sehun nodded his head. Kai’s eyes widened.

“Really?” he rasped in disbelief. “You do?”

Sehun nodded once more. He knew all about where babies came from.

“Okay, where do you get the babies from?” asked Kai.

“You get them at the baby store,” answered Sehun in a low, diffident whisper.

Kai coughed and cackled. “What?”

Something about the way Kai laughed made Sehun nervous. “Mommies go to the baby store and bring a baby back in their tummies,” he explained it carefully and slowly to Kai.

Kai burst into another laughter. Sehun hugged his legs to his chest and rubbed his chin on his bare knees, frowning sadly.

“Why… are you… laughing at me?” he asked quietly.

“Because that’s ridiculous,” Kai scoffed.

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is,” Kai argued. Sehun did not say anything more. He was not very good at arguing. He never won. It took too many words and a lot of courage to win an argument. So, Kai always won their arguments. “Want me to tell you where babies really come from?”

Sehun pursed his lips tightly.

Kai told him, anyway. “Let me educate you,” he said. “The Mommy and Daddy have to mix eggs and tadpoles together in a cup. Then they drink it together.”

Sehun gasped, lifting his head. “Then what happens?”

“They kiss, and the Mommy becomes pregnant.”

“Pregnant?”

“M-hm,” Kai hummed, nodding his head. “That’s how the babies grow. In the Mommy’s belly.”

Sehun shuddered. He could not imagine a human being growing in someone’s belly. “I’m glad I won’t be a Mommy.”

Kai laughed at him again. “Yeah, me too. But not all Mommies have to have babies. It’s not like it’s the law.”

“But I would have to if I were one,” said Sehun. “I would want to give… my husband a baby.”

Kai stared at him for a moment then. He glanced down at Sehun’s stomach and shivered. “I can’t even picture you pregnant.”

Sehun wrapped an arm over his tummy, grimacing uncomfortably.


	2. Chapter 2

“Now, are you sure that you don’t want me to just drive you up there?” his father asked, reaching out to ruffle Sehun’s hair lovingly.

Sehun shook his head, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. He briefly glanced over to the oncoming train and sighed. “I will be fine, Dad,” he said, even though he were not entirely certain that he would be fine. He rarely went anywhere on his own, especially so far away from home.

But he would do this and so much more for Kai.

“All right,” said his father. Though he was clearly happy about his son stepping out of his comfort zone for once, there was also palpable concern sheening in his eyes. “Call me if you need anything, okay?”

Sehun nodded and drew a shaky breath as the train came to a halt in the nearby track. “I will be back on Sunday, Dad.”

“I’ll be here to pick you up.”

Swallowing hard, Sehun tightly gripped the strap of his backpack and gave his father a small hug before he turned toward the train. “Bye, Dad.”

“Travel safe, champ. And say hi to Kai for me.”

Sehun glimpsed his father for one last time and flashed a quivering smile at the man. His father waved one hand at him while he had the other in the pocket of his sweatpants. Sehun fought the urge to drag his father into the train with him.

His heart was pounding in his chest as the doors slid close behind him. He continued to keep his eyes on his father on the platform as the train started to move.

Later, once he had found his seat, he put his headphones on and flipped open a book. He barely read a page, however, as he gazed out the window, watching the sceneries that passed him. They seemed to calm his racing heartbeat.

He wondered if he should have told Kai about his visit. He had made sure yesterday that Kai would be at his dormitory in the afternoon. Kai had also given him his address several weeks ago in case Sehun wanted to send him any mail.

Although he was exhilarated at the prospect of seeing Kai and getting to spend some time with him this weekend, he was a little nervous about Kai’s reaction to his surprise visit. What if he did not want to see Sehun this weekend? What if he had other plans? What if those plans were more important to him than Sehun?

As all these questions and worry continued to cudgel Sehun’s brain, he leaned his head against the window. His stomach was in knots. He hoped dearly that Kai would be thrilled and delighted by his visit. Sehun was not sure that he would be able to handle the disappointment if it were the other way around.

He pulled out a bag of jellybeans—red, yellow and green—and held it in his hand. He had gotten them when he was getting Kai’s favourite bar of chocolate from the candy store. Salted caramel flavour. He had also spent all morning making Kai some chicken and dumpling soup, which he had sealed carefully in a container. After, he went over to the Kims’ house to inform Kai’s mother that he would be visiting her son today. She had been happy to hear that, and she had sent Kai her regards.

Though not as bad as he had initially expected it to be, the train ride was still taking too long. He wanted to see Kai already. He wanted to find out if Kai would be happy with his visit.

* * *

“We’ll let him off with a warning this time,” said the principal, arching a brow at Kai, who stood still and bored with his arms crossed over his chest. “But this is not how mature young men behave, Kai. I expected better from you.”

Kai could care less about what the principal expected from him. He just wanted to get out of there already. But he knew that as soon as they were out of the principal’s office, he would have to spend the rest of the day listening to his parents’ lecture.

And they gave him an earful the instant they stepped out.

“He started it!” Kai argued with his chest heaving and nostrils flaring, facing his mother and father in the school’s hallway. “You were the one who told me that I should never back down from a fight if the fight is brought to me!”

His father looked furious. His mother, on the other hand, still had not recovered from the shock of receiving the phone call from the school, reporting Kai’s fight with Gideon in the school’s yard this morning.

They had brawled ferociously, rolling on top of each other on the ground. By the time a teacher pulled them away, Kai was sitting on Gideon’s chest.

“You are getting too old for this sort of behaviour, Kai,” his father snarled as they made their way to the car in the parking lot. “You are almost thirteen.”

“I told you,” Kai grumbled defensively. “He started it!”

“I don’t care who started it,” said his father. “You should not have been fighting on school grounds.”

“Should I have taken his fanny to the playground then?”

His father halted in his tracks and turned around to fix Kai with a fierce glower. Kai fell silent but continued to pout and scowl.

His mother interfered, then. “Now, why were you fighting?” she asked while her husband fished the car keys out to unlock the car.

Kai shrugged, grinding his teeth as he looked away. “He was picking on Sehun again.”

“He was?” rasped his mother.

“Yeah!” Kai said, glaring up at his father now. “I was just standing up for my friend. Sehun would not even swat a fly. He just stood there and let Gideon and his friends bully him. He was nearly crying by the time I had biked to school. What was I supposed to do? Not defend my friend?”

His parents exchanged a glance then, and his father’s expression softened a little.

“It’s not like he’s got any other friends either,” Kai grumbled, sliding his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “I’m all he’s got.”

He recalled the way Sehun had looked at him this morning while Gideon and his gang were ragging on him. He had been pushed into a corner, his head hung low, his hands wrapped tightly around the straps of his schoolbag. His cheeks had lost all their colour, and he was close to tears.

When Kai pulled up into the yard on his bike, his eyes had immediately darted to the crowded corner. Sehun’s distressed gaze instantly met his, and Kai hit the brake on his bike so hard that he almost lost control of his bike. He did not bother to place the bike in the racks as he hurriedly dismounted the vehicle and let it drop to the ground before he stomped over to Gideon.

The next thing he knew, he was shoving Gideon to the ground and straddling him, a fist flying toward the little jerk’s face.

He had wanted to punch Gideon’s teeth in for so long. It would not be the last time he would get to do it, though.

“Get in the car,” his father sighed at length.

Kai shook his head. “I got my bike. I’ll bike home.”

“All right,” said his mother, taking hold of Kai’s father’s arm.

“Don’t think you get off scot-free, though,” said his father. “You’re grounded for three weeks.”

Kai groaned, rolling his eyes. “Dad, that’s not fair!”

“Want me to double it? Keep arguing.”

Kai pursed his lips then and clenched his hands into tight fists. It was then when he realized his knuckles hurt.

As his father pried the car’s door open, he stopped to glance back at Kai. “It’s good you stood up for Sehun,” he said. Kai blinked at the man, who said nothing more and climbed into the car.

The next day, when Kai showed up to school, he was pounced on by his friends in the hallway as he wended his way to his locker. They wanted to know every detail of his fight with Gideon. Although he constantly had rows with Gideon, especially in the cafeteria, it had never been this serious before. He had never actually punched the boy.

Gideon had managed to get in a couple of punches, too. But Kai tried not to let it bother him. He took pleasure in knowing that he had hurt Gideon more. He gave more than he had gotten. So, that was something to be proud of.

“Do you think he will show up to school today?” asked Louis.

“I hope so,” said Max. “I would love to see the bruises on his face.”

Kai smirked to himself. In spite of it all, the situation had made him look like a hero of some sort. He wondered if the rest of the day would be about his classmates fawning over him.

He jerked to a halt when he spotted Sehun standing nervously by his locker, hugging his textbooks to his chest. “I’ll… see you guys in class,” he told his friends before walking over to Sehun. “Hey.”

Sehun brought his head up and faced Kai with a guilt-stricken look. Kai cocked his brows at him curiously.

“What’s wrong?” Kai inquired. Sehun quietly stepped away from the lockers, so that Kai could access his. But Kai did not, as he stood there, surveying Sehun’s swollen and bloodshot eyes. “Is everything all right?”

Sehun shook his head. He then held out a piece of folded paper. Blinking at it, Kai took it. “For you,” whispered Sehun. “I’m sorry.”

With that, he walked away.

Bewildered, Kai withdrew his books from the locker before he closed it and leaned against it to study the content of the paper Sehun had just given him.

_Dear Kai,_

That sounded awfully formal. Kai grimaced, but he read on.

_I am so sorry. I know that you fought with ______ because of me. I didn’t mean to get you in trouble. I would have been fine. You didn’t have to fight with you-know-who. Please, don’t repeat this._

_With love,_

_Sehun._

‘With love, Sehun’. Kai read that phrase a few more times before he folded the paper again and slid it into his pocket.

He then furiously started for the classroom. He found Sehun in his usual spot, staring down at a blank page of his notebook like always while he waited for the teacher to show up.

Kai stomped up to his desk and slammed his hands on it, making Sehun jump in his seat with a start. The boy looked up at him with widened eyes that were filled with shock.

“Are you kidding me?” Kai spat at him. Sehun blinked his eyes, lips parting to gasp softly. “Look!” Kai held out a fisted hand to Sehun. “Look at my knuckles. They are bruised!”

Sehun curled a hand around his shirt by the chest, eyes boring into the bruises on Kai’s knuckles. The guilt intensified in his expression. When he lifted his eyes to meet Kai’s again, they were glassy, glinting with tears.

“Sorry,” he said in a breathy whisper.

“Don’t be,” Kai growled. “I don’t want you to be _sorry_! I did this for you. I don’t want you to tell me that you’d be fine on your own! I don’t want you to tell me that you didn’t want me to do it. I want you to… to… want it. To thank me for looking out for you, you little—”

He cut himself short as the teacher sauntered into the classroom.

Pinning Sehun with an annoyed, exasperated look, Kai withdrew from his desk and started for his own with his jaw clenched. Sehun lowered his head and began to gnaw on his lower lip as Kai angrily plumped in his seat.

“Kai,” Marie hissed from where she was sitting. She was grinning at him from ear to ear. Kai tried not to scare her away with his scowl, so he eased up.

“What’s up, Marie?” he asked, straightening up in his seat.

“Did you really hit Gideon yesterday?” she asked with stars in her eyes.

Kai sighed and nodded his head curtly. Speaking of which… He glanced around the classroom and found Gideon sitting in the front with a nasty bruise on a side of his jaw. He was refusing to look up at the classmates, who were whispering around him.

“That’s awesome,” said Marie. “Would you… like to sit with me at the cafeteria during lunchbreak today?”

Kai shrugged. “Sure.”

She turned away then, cheeks flushed red. Later, when the bell rang, everyone scurried out of the classroom and headed for the cafeteria. Marie fixed Kai with a coy look as she made her way out with her giggling girlfriends.

Sehun waited until no one else was in the room to approach Kai, who was stuffing his books into his schoolbag. He stood on the other side of Kai’s desk and stared at the floor.

“Don’t look so sad,” Kai told him, though he was still fuming. “I won’t fight anyone for you again. Okay? Happy?”

Sehun shook his head, sniffling. Kai stilled and stared at the boy for a long stretch. Sehun eventually looked up and reached for Kai’s hand. Taking it, he examined the bruises on Kai’s knuckles painstakingly.

“It doesn’t hurt,” Kai muttered. He did not retrieve his hand, however, as Sehun raised it to his mouth. “What are you doing?”

Sehun brushed his lips on Kai’s knuckles with a serious frown etched to his brows. “Kissing the booboo away,” he whispered.

Kai yanked his hand back and rubbed the nape of his neck uncomfortably as his cheeks grew hot. “That’s… That’s only for babies!” he rasped at Sehun, his voice breaking. He had a hard time averting his embarrassing gaze from Sehun’s lips that had been touching his fingers only a handful of seconds ago. “Kissing the booboo away,” Kai scoffed, shaking his head disapprovingly as he grabbed his bag and hurried out of the classroom.

* * *

As it turned out, it was not that difficult or complicated for him to get to Kai’s dormitory. All that he had to do was jump on a bus from the train station, and it took him right where he wanted to be.

When he reached the dormitories, however, he realized that they were all locked. Without a key, or someone to let him in, he would not be able to enter the buildings. He surveyed the residents’ names on the board before ringing Kai’s doorbell. There was no answer.

So, he set himself down on one of the benches outside the buildings and unwrapped a sandwich. He had not had any lunch, and his stomach was grumbling. While he quietly ate, he pulled his phone out and texted Kai.

_What are you doing?_

_Reading at the library,_ replied Kai almost immediately. Oh, so he was not at his dorm after all. Sehun sighed and decided to wait instead of telling Kai that he was at his dorm, waiting for him. This way, Kai would come home to a surprise.

Hours went by.

Sehun could no longer feel his fingers, and his ears hurt. Though winter was nearing its end, it was still too cold to be sitting outside for hours, even in the afternoon. He hugged his legs to his chest and kept staring at the walkway, hoping to see Kai.

Every time someone would come into his view, he’d jolt up excitedly, only to be disappointed.

“Hi,” a girl, bundled in multiple layers, said as she approached him with a friendly smile.

Sehun tensed up immediately, but he told himself to stay calm. She was not going to bite. She was way too small and short. There was no way she would be able to hurt him in any way. But Sehun never claimed his anxiety to be a rational one, though. His fears, his mutism, his awkwardness and the subsequent heart palpitations had always been irrational.

He tried to smile, but he desperately wanted her to leave him alone.

“Are you waiting for someone?” she asked. She must be a student, too. She was holding a laptop case in her hand.

Sehun nodded, swallowing hard. He had to speak. Or it would seem too weird. “Y-Yes,” he said in a low voice.

“It’s kind of cold out here,” she said. “Do you want me to let you in? You can wait in the corridor.”

As much as Sehun wanted that, he shook his head. He never liked to put people on the spot. Expecting and taking favours from people he did not know made him feel terrible.

“I’m… fine,” he said.

“Oh.” Her smile faltered. “Okay.” She did not push him any further and walked away. Sehun wondered if she found him to be rude. Probably. So, he spent the next hour ruminating and sulking over that.

He was not rude. He was the furthest thing from rude. But he supposed it was easy for people to misunderstand his shyness.

The sky had begun to darken, making way for a cold, bitter evening. Sehun rubbed his eyes tiredly, changing the track on his playlist. He texted his father saying that he was still waiting for Kai, but he was doing all right. And a few minutes later, he spotted a group of people, who were walking toward him.

He gasped and removed his headphones before jumping onto his feet. Kai did not notice him immediately as he laughed at something the people he was with had said. There were two strangers with him. A girl and a guy. Were they his dormmates? Classmates perhaps? Friends?

The girl was the first to notice Sehun’s presence as her eyes bulged out in something like surprise. She whispered something to the other two, blushing oddly.

“He _is_ cute,” said the other guy, who looked in Sehun’s way instantly. “Never seen him around here, though. Is he from your dorm, Kai?”

“Whose? Mine?” Kai said. And that was when Kai turned his head, searching for the subject his friends were talking about. He stopped dead in his tracks for a moment, jaw falling slack, eyes widening.

Sehun waved at him shyly, lips stretching into a small smile. He did not know what else to do.

“Holy… shit. Yes, it’s mine,” Kai let out in a heavy breath and dropped his bag to the ground before he broke into a jog toward Sehun. “Sehun!”

Sehun chuckled as Kai lunged onto him, engulfing him in a tight embrace, lifting him off the ground. “Hey,” he muttered, wrapping his arms around Kai’s shoulders.

Putting Sehun down, Kai pulled back a little to gape at him with an astounded expression. “What the hell?” he gasped, flashing a toothy smile. He sounded breathless. “What are you doing here?!”

Sehun shrugged, cheeks crimsoning in embarrassment. “I just… wanted to… surprise you,” he breathed out, teeth chattering.

“Fuck, this is a surprise, all right,” Kai huffed and tightened his arms around Sehun’s waist once more, yanking him close. “God, I missed you so much.”

Sehun thawed in Kai’s warm embrace, though he shivered a little when Kai’s lips brushed against his ear.

Withdrawing, Kai then cupped Sehun’s face in his hands and frowned. “Why are you so cold? How long have you been waiting out here?”

“Not long,” Sehun lied.

“You should have called me.”

“I wanted it to be a surprise.”

Kai started leaning in for a kiss, but he backed away when his friends intervened. “Who’s this?” the girl asked, arching her brows curiously.

“Oh, yeah,” Kai said and faced the other two. “Sehun, meet my friends, Caitlynn and JJ. Guys, this is Sehun.”

“Sehun?” asked JJ.

“Yeah,” Kai murmured. “My boyfriend.”

Both JJ and Caitlynn pinned each other with a strange look. Sehun felt his heart sink. They had no idea that who Sehun was. “You have a _boyfriend_?” said Caitlynn, chuckling nervously. “You never told us, Kai.”

Sehun glimpsed Kai disappointedly. He tried not to let his devastation show on his face. Shrugging, Kai ran a hand through his hair. “You guys don’t know every little detail of my private life.”

How private was Sehun that Kai did not mention to his friends that he had a boyfriend?

Sehun did not want to read too much into it. Maybe Kai was right. Not everyone had to know every little detail of his life.

“We’ll leave you two be, then,” said JJ. “Nice to meet you, Sehun. Hope to see you at my party tomorrow, Kai.”

Kai nodded at them as they walked away, muttering something in hushed tones. He grappled an arm around Sehun’s waist and pulled him close. “I can’t believe you’re actually here!”

“Me either,” said Sehun, licking his chapped lips, hoping for a kiss. But Kai took hold of his hand and started dragging him away instead.

After picking up his bag, he led Sehun inside. “You should have called,” he said, and Sehun nodded. He should have, if that would have made things easier for Kai. “I would have cleaned up my room.”

“I don’t mind,” said Sehun as Kai momentarily let go of his hand to fumble with the keys to his room. Once he had managed to unlock it, he shoved the door open and ushered Sehun into the room.

Sehun was glad that he was no longer freezing out in the cold. Removing his jacket, he looked for a place to put it, but Kai had clothes strewn all over the place. Sehun fought the urge to start tidying the room up for him right away.

“One moment,” said Kai as he hurriedly picked up the shirts on the ground and tossed them into the laundry hamper. Then he took care of the books that were scattered on his bed. “Sit.”

As Sehun took a seat on the edge of Kai’s bed, Kai continued to scurry around the room, trying to straighten it up as quickly as he could. “Kai,” Sehun called. “It’s okay. I really don’t mind.”

Kai paused then, scratching the back of his head. “I was just… not expecting you to ever… come down here.”

Sehun blushed at that. He loved that Kai appreciated the effort. He shifted his weight a little on the bed when Kai sat down next to him, still grinning wide. “I brought you something.”

“Oh?”

Sehun unzipped his backpack and fished out the chocolate bar and soup. “These are for you.”

“Damn, Sehun.” Kai chuckled, accepting the food items. “Thanks. You didn’t have to, though. I’m happy that you’re here.”

Sehun felt his heartbeat quicken. He was such a sucker for sappy things like that. He never failed to blush whenever Kai told him such sweet, corny things. “I got you these, too.” He pulled out the pair of fuzzy socks he had gotten Kai. They had tiny basketballs printed all over them. “It’s very cold now.”

“I will wear them all the time.” Kai set them aside and faced Sehun again with an eager look. Sehun recognized that look all too well. And it always managed to make him weak in the knees. “I smell like shit, don’t I?”

Sehun shook his head quickly. “No, you don’t.”

Kai lunged at him then, a hand curling around the back of Sehun’s neck, drawing him in for a kiss as he smashed their lips together. A small moan broke from Sehun’s throat, his hands walking up Kai’s chest and clinging to his hoodie.

Kai only broke the kiss and pulled away once he was satisfied. Even then, he continued to look like he wanted to shove Sehun down on the bed right this instant and ravage him. Sehun would not have stopped him, though.

“Let me take a quick shower, and we can go out for dinner,” said Kai, rising to his feet while Sehun licked his slightly tender lips. “Are you hungry?”

Sehun bowed his head. He was terribly hungry.

“There are some great food places nearby,” said Kai as he yanked his hoodie and shirt off before grabbing the towel. Sehun tried not to let his gaze linger on the other boy’s shirtless body for too long, but he could not help it. It had been a long while since they had… done it.

Sehun would never admit out loud that he wanted to do it, though. “Okay,” he muttered.

Kai leaned down one more time to press a kiss to Sehun’s forehead, a hand firmly holding the back of Sehun’s head. “Wait here. Poke around my stuff if you’re bored. I’ll be right back.”

As he hurried into the bathroom, Sehun heaved a sigh and glanced at the desk, which was home to a messy pile of books and papers. Nothing caught his interest, so he stayed seated on Kai’s bed.

Kai also had a microwave oven and a small refrigerator. Sehun rose from the bed momentarily to store the soup in the refrigerator before he promptly returned to the bed.

Kai eventually stepped out of the bathroom, clad in nothing but a pair of boxers. They were the tight kind. The kind that made Sehun’s face all florid in embarrassment. Kai’s hair was still dripping water, and so was his body that was sheening with water rivulets.

“How’s your dad?” Kai inquired as he made his way to the wardrobe.

“He is fine,” said Sehun, now leering at the beads of water that were trickling down Kai’s toned back. “He sent his regards. And so did your mom.”

“My mom?” Kai snorted, retrieving a pair of jeans and a sweater from the wardrobe. Sehun watched him as he pulled them on. “You told her you were coming here?”

“M-hm,” hummed Sehun. “It was actually her idea.”

“Isn’t she quite the cupid,” Kai mumbled to himself, but Sehun heard it all too well. “I was busy studying all day at the library. I got a party tomorrow, so I had to make sure that I get everything done in good time.”

“You got a party tomorrow?” asked Sehun.

“Yeah. JJ’s throwing it at his dorm.”

Sehun chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I just thought… that I could stay here with you for the weekend.”

Stilling, Kai stared at him for a moment. “Really?” he said, and Sehun instantly regretted saying that. He should have asked Kai first. This was a stupid idea. He felt like he was imposing. He was putting Kai on the spot.

“No,” he blurted out before Kai could say anything else. “I can leave in the morning. It’s okay. You go to the party.”

Kai sat down beside him and threw an arm over his shoulders. “Don’t worry about it,” he said, smiling that smile that made Sehun’s heart go fast. “I can cancel.”

Sehun frowned. “You don’t have to,” he murmured. “They are your friends. And they are expecting you to show up. I should have told you about my visit.”

“Sehun—” Kai began to sigh.

“No, no,” Sehun insisted. “I won’t be a trouble. I just… wanted to see you. And I have.”

“Will you stop?”

“I can leave in the morning. I’ll take the first train from—”

Kai cut him short with a kiss. His lips were warm against Sehun’s. Soft and gentle yet demanding. He kissed Sehun slowly this time, relishing in the taste and heat of Sehun’s lips as well. His fingers entangled themselves in the strands of Sehun’s hair. Sehun inhaled sharply, delighting in the scent of Kai’s skin. He smelled like soap and water.

Kai’s kisses were so good. They made Sehun often wonder if his kisses were even half as good. He fumbled a lot and sometimes got distracted by where he placed his hands or where Kai was putting his. But Kai never fumbled. Compared to him, Sehun felt like an utter novice. Which he was.

“Better?” Kai asked, withdrawing with a smile.

Sehun kept his head low as he ran his tongue over his lips. “I should have told you, shouldn’t I?”

Kai kissed his forehead. And his cheeks. And then his nose. “Don’t be silly. I’m just happy that you are here.”

Sehun raised his head and smiled faintly. “Really?”

Kai nodded and took hold of Sehun’s hand. “Come on. I’m in the mood for some Thai food. I know a fantastic place that’s walking distance.”

Sehun let himself be drawn up to his feet.

As they made their way out of the room, Sehun hooked an arm around Kai’s and said, “If you want to go to the party tomorrow, I can go with you.”

It was a bold suggestion. Sehun had never been to a party, except Kai’s birthday parties, well mostly because he had never been invited by anyone to a party. So, he was not sure what to expect from JJ’s party, but so long he was with Kai, he would not have to worry. He could go to the end of the world as long as Kai was there with him.

But Kai’s reaction to the suggestion took Sehun aback.

“What?” he said, grimacing with something like shock and a hint of dread. “That’s not necessary, Sehun.”

Sehun stared at him confusedly. He was not sure if he had said something offensive, because Kai looked very much offended. “Oh… Why? Would your friends not want me there?”

“No, it’s not that,” said Kai, carding his fingers through his damp hair.

“Then… why not?”

Kai pursed his lips, gnashing his teeth. At length, he said, “You won’t fit in there. It will just make you uncomfortable.”

Sehun felt his insides twist into painful knots. So, he was the problem. He would forever hold Kai back from having a normal life because he could not.

He was not the only one who was changing for Kai.

Kai was changing, for the worst, for Sehun. He had given up a lot in the past for Sehun, and he would continue to do so in the future, too.

“We can go catch a movie or something,” Kai said after a while, noticing Sehun’s silence. “I’d rather just spend time with you. Just the two of us.”

Nodding his head, Sehun kept mum, though his chest was screaming in agony.


	3. Chapter 3

“Do you like the food?” Kai asked from the other side of the table. Sehun nodded approvingly, slipping another spoonful of rice into his mouth. With a loving smile, Kai shook his head slightly and lowered it.

“What?” Sehun asked.

Kai shrugged at him then. “I love watching you eat.”

Putting the spoon down, Sehun stared at his boyfriend with a frown. He wondered what was so amusing about the way he ate. “Is it… embarrassing?” He wiped his mouth with the napkin.

“No,” Kai sighed. “It’s just adorable. You eat like a child.”

Sehun tried not to take offence in that. He was a grown-up, too. He did not mean to act like a child. For the most part of his life, he had gotten picked on for being a ‘baby’. Every time he cried in class because he could not find the courage to answer the teacher’s question or to read a passage, his classmates would call him a crybaby.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered quietly and picked up the spoon again. He would try to eat like a normal person.

“No,” scoffed Kai. “It’s not a bad thing, Sehun.”

Sehun did not say anything more because he felt like he was forcing Kai to justify his statements. And he did not want to force Kai to do anything. They ate in silence for a length.

Sehun straightened up in his seat when he felt Kai’s foot rub against his shin. When he brought his head up, he found Kai smirking at him. It brought a flush to Sehun’s cheeks.

“I’m so happy you came to see me,” said Kai. It warmed Sehun’s heart to hear that. He had been worrying himself to death for no reason. He was glad that Kai was happy to see him.

For now.

Sehun wondered what the future might hold for them. For some odd reason, he saw nothing but grey clouds.

After dinner, as they wandered out of the restaurant with full bellies, Kai slid his hand into Sehun’s and laced their fingers together. Sehun sidled closer to his boyfriend, relishing in his warmth.

“Kai,” he called as they wended their way back to the dormitories. Kai was gazing up at the stars in the winter sky with a silly smile etched on his face.

“Hmm?”

“We should go to your friend’s party,” said Sehun in a careful intonation.

Kai lowered his head, smile fading, and pinned Sehun with a frown. “Sehun, I told you—”

“I want to go,” Sehun said. “I want to… do the things _you_ like to do.”

Kai’s frown only deepened, much to Sehun’s disappointment. “You don’t have to do that, Sehun. I never asked you to. I’m fine with… what we have.”

Sehun tightened his fingers around Kai. “I feel like… I’m holding you back.”

Kai let out a breathy, humourless snort. “Are you fucking kidding me? Stop overthinking it. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, Sehun. Yes, we don’t always share the same interests, but it does not mean that you have to do something that discomforts you for my sake.”

Sehun thought about what Kai said for a second. It might be true. But in the long run, this was not going to work out. Eventually, Kai would grow tired of trying to put up with Sehun’s irrational and unreasonable fears. He would not want to always be the one to compromise his needs for Sehun’s.

It was already happening. Sehun began to understand that the distance between them was due to the lack of common interests between them. Kai was keeping Sehun away from his life because Sehun did not fit in the kind of lifestyle he had right now. Just because Sehun would not be able to relate to his experiences. It would only worsen over time. The distance between them would only grow bigger.

“I want to go to the party with you,” Sehun said at length. “Please? If I am uncomfortable, then we can leave. But I want to… experience these things with you. I want to be a part of… every aspect of your life, Kai.”

That softened Kai’s expression. He heaved a heavy sigh. “All right,” he conceded in the end. “We can go to the party. But I can assure you that it is not _your_ kind of scene.”

Sehun had no doubt that he would feel like a fish out of water in any populated place. But he would be with Kai. And that would make everything less scary.

When they returned to Kai’s room, Kai was quick to get rid of his shoes and jacket before jumping onto the bed. He huffed tiredly and tucked his hands under his head, eyes following Sehun’s every movement.

“You want to watch something?” asked Kai.

Sehun nodded. “Okay.”

Grunting as he sat up, Kai reached for his laptop on the bedside table. Sehun removed his shoes, taking a seat on the edge of Kai’s bed. “Come over here,” said Kai, patting the mattress beside him.

Sehun swallowed a little as he scooted up and settled next to Kai on the bed. “What are we watching?”

“I don’t know. What are you in the mood for?”

Sehun thought about it for a moment. “You decide.”

While Kai browsed for a movie to watch, Sehun made himself comfortable on the bed. He loved that it smelled like Kai. And he hoped that it would smell a little like him for a couple of days after he left.

Kai played a cartoon and pulled Sehun close before drawing the duvet over their tangled bodies. “I’m glad you came, Sehun,” Kai whispered sometime later, his hand rubbing a corner of Sehun’s waist under the covers in circles, while Sehun rested his head on Kai’s chest, listening to his heartbeat rather than the movie.

“You are?” Sehun murmured, drawing his forefinger along Kai’s abdomen over his sweater.

Kai hummed in response. “Why do you sound so surprised? Of course, I’m glad that you’re here.”

Sehun was silent for a moment. “It’s just that… you are so busy these days,” he muttered, slightly distracted by Kai’s fingers that were sliding into his shirt, caressing his waist. “I did not want to impose or make things difficult for you.”

He wanted to tell Kai that he also knew that he had been having a lot of fun at college, so he did not have much time to spare for Sehun. But he had never been one for such confrontation. He would avoid confrontations at all costs.

Over the years, Kai had hurt him many times. Even when they were children. Sehun distinctly remembered that one Halloween when Kai had ditched him in the middle of their trick-or-treating to go with a girl from school. It had wounded him so badly to be left behind like that. Except that Kai had not really left him behind. He would have wanted Sehun to go along. But once again, it had been Sehun’s problem. He did not want to be around other people. And it would not have been fair to ask Kai to sacrifice his happiness for Sehun’s.

The point was, however, no matter how many times Kai unknowingly hurt him, Sehun never confronted him about it. He had always forgiven Kai forthwith, even though he could never forget as quickly. Sometimes, his silence made it difficult for him to communicate his grievances. It was as though he’d rather die than speak.

“It is not like you are here every weekend,” said Kai. “You are not imposing. Don’t worry.”

What if it were every weekend? What if it were every day? Things were different when they were living across the street, attending the same school, hanging out at the same theatre or candy store. They even looked after a bunch of kittens together at one point.

But now, Kai was surrounding by a more stimulating environment. He had other interests. He could put it all aside for Sehun for one weekend, but would he able to do it all the time? Sehun highly doubted it. After all, he knew Kai better than anyone.

The movie was soon forgotten as Kai shifted his all of his attention to Sehun. His breathing had grown ragged, and his hands hungrier. They gripped and clutched at Sehun’s body, drawing him so close that there was no room for even air to squeeze past between their bodies.

“Kai,” Sehun moaned as Kai started kissing his neck. He threw a leg over Sehun’s, as though to lock him in place. “The… movie…”

Kai did not budge. He raised a hand to cup a side of Sehun’s face as his lips continue to pepper Sehun’s neck with soft, sensuous kisses. Sehun tried to keep his eyes on the laptop’s screen, but he was promptly distracted by Kai’s hot mouth that was all over his neck and jaw. His hands snaked into Sehun’s shirt and walked up his back, stroking the smooth, taut skin there. Sehun shivered a little, even though Kai’s hands were warm and gentle.

“Kai…” He arched his neck and bared it, giving Kai all the access he needed to it. Kai latched his mouth around Sehun’s throat and sucked on the Adam’s apple, tongue licking all over it before he started nibbling on Sehun’s skin there. “No,” Sehun whimpered. “Dad would notice.”

Kai sighed and pulled away momentarily to put the laptop away. His thighs then straddled Sehun’s, knees planted firmly into the mattress on either side of Sehun. Taking hold of Sehun’s wrists, he pinned them to the pillow and licked his lips suggestively.

Sehun felt his mouth turn dry. Though he still considered himself a novice in this arena, among many others, he knew what he liked. And he really liked neck kisses and having his hands held down. His favourite was when Kai was doing both simultaneously.

Kai must have heard his thoughts because he bowed his head and pelted Sehun’s neck with more kisses while his hands firmly gripped Sehun’s wrists down against the pillow.

Sehun writhed and moaned, hands wound tightly into fists, toes curling. It was almost a pain bordering on pleasure. And it was the best kind of all. As much as he wanted to touch Kai too, he enjoyed the pace they were going at.

Kai eventually brought his head up and shifted his weight on the mattress to position himself between Sehun’s legs. Then he gazed into Sehun’s eyes for a long moment, his chest heaving breathlessly, lips hungry for Sehun’s.

Sehun almost asked for him to kiss him already, but before he could, Kai leaned in and brought their mouths together in a heated, passionate kiss that stole every last drop of Sehun’s breath away.

As Kai’s hands loosened around his wrist, Sehun tangled his fingers in Kai’s hair and kissed him feverously.

“Oh, shit,” Kai hissed as he abruptly broke the kiss and pulled away.

“What?” Sehun rasped, a little freaked out. “Did I bite you?”

“No,” said Kai with a sigh.

“Do I have… bad breath?”

Kai laughed. “No. It’s just that… I don’t have any… condoms.”

Sehun nearly blushed to death in embarrassment. He did not know what to say. It was not like he expected Kai to have some in stock, but he was not the kind to carry them around in his wallet either.

He drew his hands down to Kai’s chest. “So… do we stop?” he asked coyly, hoping that Kai would say no.

Smirking, Kai said, “I think it’s a little too late for that.” He took one of Sehun’s hands and guided it down his abdomen until it was palming his crotch. Sehun curled his lower lip between his teeth and bit on it as he cupped Kai’s hardened bulge over the thick fabric of his jeans. Sehun had already gotten quite hard himself.

Kai slid off Sehun and plopped down on the bed next to him. He drew Sehun back in for a long, hungry kiss while their hands fumbled to undo the fly of each other’s pants. Kai tucked his fingers under the hem of Sehun’s shirt and yanked it over Sehun’s head before discarding it on the floor. He then did the same with his own sweater and hooked an arm around Sehun’s waist, pulling him close to grind his crotch against Sehun’s hip.

“Sehun,” he let out shakily against Sehun’s lips, running his tongue along them before he caught the lower lip between his teeth and tugged at it gently. Sehun exhaled a moan, fingernails digging into Kai’s arm and back. Kai’s arm tightened around Sehun as he began to hump against one of Sehun’s thighs, delighting greatly in the friction between his cock and their pants.

“Fuck,” Kai groaned at one point and paused to slide a hand into his boxers to pull his shaft out. Sehun reached a hand down on his own, without being asked to, and wrapped it around Kai’s cock. Kai withdrew his own hand and took hold of a side of Sehun’s face before kissing him deeply on the lips. He then fisted the hand around Sehun’s aching, pulsating member and began to pump it with firm, steady strokes. Sehun tried to keep up with his, though his head was buzzing, and his shallow breathing was making it difficult for him to concentrate on anything but Kai’s hand that was wrapped around his swollen length.

Kai eventually enveloped his hand around both of their members, grinding them together, thrusting his hips against Sehun’s to lead them toward their ecstasy. He smashed his lips against Sehun’s collarbones and sucked on a spot there, leaving it tender and bruised.

Sehun came first, hands grappling at Kai’s body, mouth pressed against Kai’s shoulder to muffle a cry. He shot out in white, thick ropes all over their bellies. Kai did not take much longer to reach his climax, too.

They then lay there, still and spent, catching their breath. It had been so long for them both that neither could hold themselves back for too long.

As the calmness washed over Sehun like he was doused in cold water, he shifted a little to cuddle up with Kai, but he stopped when he realized that they were covered in their own and each other’s come.

Kai smiled and pressed a kiss to Sehun’s lips before he climbed out of the bed to get a towel.

Later, they cosied up under the covers, playing with each other’s hair as they stood on the verge of falling asleep. Kai whispered some sweet things into Sehun’s ear, brushing his lips against Sehun’s forehead.

* * *

Kai woke up a few hours before Sehun did out of habit. So, he went for a jog, like he always did, even during wintertime, and returned to his room with breakfast for them both. Sehun was still asleep, hugging a pillow. Kai stopped for a moment to adore the sight before him, fighting the urge to brush the locks of hair out of Sehun’s face.

It was the best surprise ever. He knew how much mental effort it would have cost Sehun to make the trip here. He had done it all for Kai. And that was something to be happy about, even though Kai really did not want Sehun to go out of his way for Kai’s sake.

For Sehun, it was not just about stepping out of his comfort zone. His comfort zone was not exactly a ‘comfort’ zone. It tormented him, his disability. He wanted to do better. He wanted to be different. And the more he was with Kai, the more he pushed himself to be like everyone else.

Kai did not want him to be like everyone else. Of course, it was not easy being with someone like Sehun. But he loved Sehun enough to power through the hardships their relationship had faced, was facing and would inevitably face in the forthcoming future.

It was too bad that Sehun had a hard time believing that Kai could make this work between them. He had made it work for over ten years now, hadn’t he? But that was the thing about Sehun. He worried his head too much about trivial matters. That was just who he was. That was just part of him, Kai figured. He was always too afraid of being someone’s burden.

Kai knew that Sehun thought of himself as a burden to him, too. It was not the truth. Kai picked a fight with a boy who bullied Sehun in the schoolyard because he wanted to look out for Sehun. It was not a burden for him. He spent most of his time with Sehun growing up because he enjoyed the company. He had not felt like it was a burden then either. He did not want to go to JJ’s party this evening not because Sehun was a burden of any sort, but because he did not want to put Sehun in a situation that would decidedly distress him.

He wished that Sehun would trust him enough to love him as he was. Because Kai did. He loved Sehun for everything he was. Quirks and all.

“Rise and shine, sweetheart,” Kai teased, plumping on the bed. Sehun stirred and moaned hoarsely. He eventually cracked an eye open to squint at Kai, who smiled at him.

Sehun did not smile back, however. He turned his gaze away and stared at the wall vacantly, though he clearly looked lost in his thoughts.

“Did you have a nightmare or something?” asked Kai, carding his fingers through Sehun’s mussed hair.

Sehun shook his head, but only after a few minutes. He then sat up and hugged his knees to his chest. “Good morning,” he muttered sullenly. It was as though he had woken up with some sort of clarity that had dampened his mood.

Kai wondered what it was all about. “I got us some waffles. Let me take a quick shower and I’ll heat them up.”

“I need a shower, too,” said Sehun. Kai smirked at him, but Sehun looked away sombrely. With a faltering smile, Kai blinked at him confusedly.

“We can… shower together. That way, we can save water.”

A corner of Sehun’s lips quirked up into a faint, amused smile then. But it did not last for very long. “If that’s what you want.”

Kai frowned. “Sehun, it is not always about what _I_ want.”

Sehun nodded his head and kept his gaze low.

Sighing, Kai said, “I’m just going to take a shower first.”

* * *

As Kai stepped into the bathroom, Sehun sat on the bed, back leaned against the headboard and ruminated over the future. And the present.

He had roused with a strange feeling. What Kai had said last night rang louder in his ears in the morning.

_You won’t fit in there._

There was not really anywhere that Sehun would fit in. But Kai did not have to stay out with Sehun just because the latter would not fit in.

There was a choice to make. Sehun shook the grisly thoughts away and tried not to cry. He did not want Kai to catch him crying when he exited the bathroom.

They spent the day eating waffles, watching reruns of _Seinfeld_ on Kai’s computer. Later, they went out for lunch and when they returned, Kai told Sehun to get ready for the party.

“What do you want to wear?” he asked.

Sehun shrugged. “I only brought two shirts.”

“Well, you can borrow something of mine,” he said and rummaged through his wardrobe before pulling out a black sweater. “Is this okay?”

Sehun nodded. He would take any chance to wear Kai’s clothes. They were, for some odd reason, always comfier than his own. While he pulled the sweater on, Kai threw on a T-shirt with a whimsical phrasing. He then stood before the mirror in the bathroom to run his hands through his hair a few times.

Sehun watched him for a moment before he started doing the same.

“What are you doing?” Kai asked.

“My hair,” Sehun said, feeling a little foolish. Clearly, he had done something mortifying because Kai was now laughing at him. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Kai mumbled. “Come here.” He grabbed a hairbrush and ran it through Sehun’s hair. “You don’t have to look all scruffy.”

“But you do?” He prodded a finger into Kai’s chin to point out the faint stubble that was starting to show on his jaw.

Kai shrugged his shoulders, smirking. “Don’t you like it?”

God, yes. Sehun liked everything about Kai. He blushed and bowed his head.

Once they were done primping and getting ready for the party, Kai ushered Sehun out of the room. “Will all your friends be there?” Sehun inquired as they made their way out of the dormitories, holding hands.

“I don’t know,” said Kai. “I think most of them might.”

That instantly made Sehun nervous. He had to make a good first impression for Kai’s friends. He had never been able to in the past, though. None of Kai’s friends from school wanted to hang out with Sehun. It had not really bothered Sehun, but he figured it would have made things difficult for Kai since he would need to cut a slice of his time for Sehun and another for his other friends.

He hoped that things would be different this time. Even though he was quite certain that he would not be able to become friends with Kai’s friends immediately, he wanted to make a better effort than he had before.

But as they neared JJ’s dormitory, Sehun’s heart began to hammer against his chest, bouncing up and down his throat. There was a sharp pain in his stomach, and his clammy hands, even the one secured in Kai’s, were trembling a little. He stuck as close as he possibly could to Kai, who was grinning as they climbed up the staircase of the dormitory. He seemed quite excited, Sehun reckoned. He must have wanted to go to the party after all.

Once again, the bitter guilt returned to take a comfortable seating in his mouth.

As soon as they arrived at the floor, Sehun could already hear the music blaring through the corridor. His nerves were on edge, heart pounding to the beat of the music that resounded across the hallway as they headed for JJ’s room.

“Why is your friend throwing this party? Is it someone’s birthday?” Sehun asked, just to make conversation in order to distract himself from the apprehension and anxiety that were bubbling from the pit of his stomach.

Kai shook his head, scoffing. “No,” he said, as a matter-of-factly. “Everyone throws parties in the weekend for no reason. Well, not exactly for no reason. It’s just to unwind and get wasted, I guess.”

“Do you… get wasted?” asked Sehun, genuinely curious.

Kai snorted. “Duh,” he let out. He hesitated when he noticed the look on Sehun’s face. “I mean, occasionally.” He coughed.

Sehun did not want Kai to lie about it, just to spare his feelings. He could tell that Kai’s life was different from what it used to be back home. Here, he had the chance to have more fun without Sehun holding him back. He did not need to make time for Sehun. He could have his fun with his friends without having to care about someone else’s neediness. Sehun supposed that was why Kai had been unable to make much time for him lately. He was off chasing a good time.

Kai gave the door a few knocks before it swung open. “Kai!” the girl from last night, Caitlynn, jumped onto Kai, throwing an arm around him. Her other hand was holding a cup. Sehun peered into the room. It was mostly dark. The splash of technicolour blinded him briefly. He could barely see past the crowd that thronged the room.

“Oh, and you brought your little friend,” said Caitlynn, almost drawling.

Kai made a face. “ _Boyfriend_ ,” he grumbled, curling an arm around Sehun’s waist. Caitlynn rolled her eyes.

“Come on in, you two.”

As soon as Sehun stepped inside, he wanted to leave. It was too crowded and too loud. And every breath was infused with a mix of foul stenches that made him want to retch. He clung onto the sleeve of Kai’s T-shirt and followed him closely.

Kai was right. This was definitely not Sehun’s type of scene.

But Kai fit right in. He waved at someone in the crowd that was dancing. “One moment,” he told Sehun before he hurried away.

Instantly, Sehun’s heart threatened to leap out of his chest. He thought someone was looking at him. Staring daggers at him. he felt constant eyes on him. He moved to stand in a corner.

He kept his eyes on Kai, who jostled past the people and greeted some of his friends. They handed him a cup. Sehun watched him quaff down whatever that was in that cup and wince. Was it beer? Sehun would not know if it were something else. He did not drink. Alcohol made his anxiety so much worse.

He felt like he was an intruder. And it was weird. He was weird for standing there like a loner. People were looking. Were they looking because he was awkward? Or was it because he was a stranger?

This was a terrible idea.

“Here.” Caitlynn returned with a cup. Sehun blinked at it and then shook his head. “It’s just rum and coke.”

Sehun wanted to shake his head again, but he felt like it would be impolite. He did not want to seem rude. So, he took the cup. Caitlynn grinned at him while swaying her hips to the rhythm of the music.

“You are so cute, by the way!” she shouted through the loud music. “Too bad you’re taken.”

Was she drunk? Possibly. Because no one had never told Sehun that he was cute. No one but Kai that was.

He wanted to thank her, but he doubted that she could even hear him. He considered taking a sip of the drink for a moment. He raised his head and searched for Kai in the crowd again.

Kai had his arms draped over a girl and a guy, smiling from ear to ear, engaged in a loud discussion. He eventually accepted a can of beer and started drinking. Sehun wanted to go over to him and stay close to him, but he knew that he would not even be able to take a step toward that crowd.

He swigged the drink and grimaced when the bitterness made his mouth burn. Caitlynn laughed. “Wanna dance?” she asked.

Sehun did not dance. So, he shook his head, frowning. He desperately wanted her to go away. It was not that she was not nice or anything, but he did not want her to find out what how lame Kai’s boyfriend was. He did not want Kai to be humiliated. Especially when Sehun was the one who wanted to come to the party.

Kai eventually found his way back to him. “Sehun!” he bellowed and took the cup from Sehun’s hand. He gave it a sniff before pouring it down his throat. He did not even flinch. Sehun was not sure if he were more impressed or horrified. “Let’s dance!” Kai threw an arm around Sehun’s neck and dragged him toward the crowd.

Sehun went along. But Kai was quickly distracted by someone who threw herself onto him and almost spilled her drink all over Sehun. “Alicia!” Kai hollered, diving in for another embrace.

The music was deafening. But still, the truth was louder than ever. It finally began to sink in. This was only a small part of the life Sehun would constantly hold Kai back from. There was much more out in the world, bigger than this, better, and Kai would always be a step back because of Sehun.

The way he understood love was that it was supposed to be someone’s strength. Not a weakness. Sehun was a weakness to Kai in every aspect.

No matter how much Sehun tried to change himself for love or for Kai, people could only change so much. He could not force himself to do this. He would forever be miserable knowing that he would never be good enough for the boy he loved.

He turned on his heel and started for the door, his stomach in knots, heart pounding in sorrow. Fresh tears burned in his eyes. His fingers felt numb, his knees close to buckling.

“Sehun?” he heard Kai call after him, but he did not stop as he stormed out of the dorm and marched down the hallway. He wiped away a tear that streaked his cheek. “Sehun!”

Kai quickly caught up to him and grabbed hold of his arm, halting him in his tracks.

“Where are you going?” he rasped breathlessly.

Sehun turned around, but he did not meet Kai’s eyes. “I’m leaving,” he said, voice breaking.

“Why?” asked Kai. “Weren’t you the one who insisted on coming here?”

Sehun sniffled and clenched his eyes for a moment, swallowing hard. Kai sighed.

“Fine,” he said, and he sounded a tad bit annoyed. “Let’s just go.”

Sehun did not move, however. He shook his head and opened his eyes to meet Kai’s. “No, you stay,” he said. Kai’s eyebrows furrowed into a puzzled frown. “I don’t want to… hold you back. I don’t want to be the… one to stop you from doing things that you love.”

“What are you talking about?” Kai spat, frown turning into a mild scowl. “I was the one who told you we shouldn’t even go to the party.”

“It’s not… just about the party,” said Sehun in a low, whispery voice. He could not get himself to speak any louder. “We are… very different people, Kai.”

Kai did not say anything to that. His expression softened, however, his eyes widening a little.

Sehun licked his lips and withheld a few tears. He needed to be brave now. He never needed to be braver. “We will only… keep pushing each other apart. It’s better… to stop now than… later. It would hurt less this way.”

Kai still did not say anything. His jaw fell slack, and he wordlessly gaped at Sehun for an excruciating moment. Then sucking in a deep breath, he took hold of Sehun’s wrist and started hauling him away.

“Let’s just go back. We’ll watch a movie and put this behind us,” he said.

Sehun tore his wrist away from Kai’s grip. “No,” he said, firmly for once. Kai stopped and gawked at him, arms falling limp at his sides. “I-I-I don’t want to do this anymore.”

All blood drained from Kai’s face then. “Sehun… Quit this nonsense right now.”

“I am serious,” Sehun croaked out, a tear rolling down his face. “I love you so much, Kai. But someone like me cannot… be with you… or anyone. It will happen eventually. It’s better if we do this now.”

“Sehun,” Kai whimpered, his eyes turning red and glassy. He was stammering and fumbling, hands trying to get a hold of Sehun, who kept pulling away. “Please… Don’t… do this.”

He sounded breathless and shaky like a sob was choking his throat.

Sehun wrapped his arms around Kai for one last time and rested his head on Kai’s shoulder. “It’s better this way,” he whispered and pulled back. He fisted his hands around Kai’s T-shirt by the chest and leaned to brush their lips together for a brief, sorrowful kiss.

“No, no,” Kai let out, crying now. “What did _I_ do wrong? Why are you doing this to me?!”

Sehun did not answer as he walked away. He did not go back to Kai’s dorm. Instead, he took a bus and went straight to the train station where he promptly called his father and begged him to come pick him up while covered in tears.


	4. Chapter 4

“You want to talk about it, Sehun?” his father asked. It took Sehun a moment to respond, and when he finally did, he could only manage to shake his head that was leaned against the car’s window.

It was raining on the way home. How apt. It was as though the skies had decided to share his sorrow and cry with him. He was no longer crying, though. After hours of crying.

Perhaps he had simply run out of tears.

His father reached a hand out and gently stroked Sehun’s hair at the back of his head. Sehun had not been able to speak. When his father showed up at the train station to pick him up, he had run into the man’s arms and broken into unchecked tears. But he had not said anything to his father. He did not think that he could talk about his heartbreak just yet. The wound was still too fresh, too painful.

But his father understood. He knew without even having to be told. He sighed and retrieved his hand, keeping his eyes on the road. “I know it hurts,” he said in a low voice. “And sometimes, it is gotta hurt for a long time. But that is how you know it was a love worth having, son. It was a good relationship. And that is something to be grateful for.”

Sehun clenched his eyes, trying to calm the storm that was brewing in his chest once more. All his life, it had been just his father and Kai. The man knew how important Kai had been to Sehun.

“I wish there were some magic words that I could say to make it all go away, to save you from all this pain,” his father said, and his own voice quivered. Sehun opened his eyes and glanced at him. His father looked straight ahead, his hands steady on the steering wheel, but something about his mien told Sehun that the man was hurting, too. He did not mean to upset his father. “But only time can heal. The pain will fade.”

Sehun spoke then. “What about… the love?”

His father was momentarily lost in his own thoughts. Did his love for Sehun’s mother ever fade? He shook his head. “Not for me,” he said. “But that does not mean you will not move on. You… find something else to live for. That will keep you going.”

Sehun leaned over and rested his head on his father’s shoulder. “He would hate me,” he let out, a sob clambering up his throat again. “He would hate me forever.”

His father said nothing to that, and Sehun was relieved by the silence. He would have broken into tears once more had his father told him that Kai would never be able to hate him. Sehun hated himself. And if he were Kai, he would never forgive him either.

But this was the right course of action. It was better to be heartbroken now than in the future, when Kai finally and inevitably realized that he was better off without Sehun. Sehun knew for certain that he would not be able to handle the heartbreak if Kai had been the one to make the call and leave him.

When they reached home that night, Sehun went up to his room and collapsed on his bed, where he promptly burst into more tears after being reminded of all the time he and Kai had spent in this room. Hell, everything about this neighbourhood was going to remind Sehun constantly of Kai. He wiped his tears on the sleeves of the sweater he was wearing.

That was when he realized that he had left wearing Kai’s sweater.

* * *

_A couple of weeks later…_

His gaze shot to the house across the street as soon as he stepped out of the cab. The street was dark, in spite of the lit streetlamps. The night was moonless, not a single cluster of stars in sight either. The trees on the sidewalk and neighbours’ yards were as barren as winter rain. Everything about the suburbs suddenly felt as dead as he was feeling on the inside.

He paid the cab’s fare and grabbed his bag before walking up to the door. He rang the doorbell, even though he had a spare key. He did not want to scare his parents in the dead of the night.

It took his father and mother a few minutes to get the door. They were both dressed in their pyjamas. While his father’s eyes were already alert when he opened the door, his mother’s sleep-leaden eyes only roused when she realized it was her son standing on the doorstep.

“Kai,” she rasped, shoving past her husband. “Sweetie, what are you doing here in the middle of the night?”

Kai dropped his bag to the ground and fell against her, slumping and heaving a shaky breath. “Sehun broke up with me.”

He supposed he should have told them that his finals were over, and he could no longer sit alone in his dark room, where he relentlessly chewed his brain over Sehun and cried until he could no longer even feel his eyes. Everything felt numb thereafter. His insides felt as though they had been shut down.

“Oh, honey,” his mother let out, stroking his back with a hand. “Come inside.”

* * *

His father rubbed his temples as he poured himself a mug of coffee. Kai wondered if his father would blame him for the breakup. The man had always taken Sehun’s side in the past. Kai was not sure who was to be blamed here. Sure, he had been busy with college and other things lately. He had been excited about this new chapter of his life, one which he wanted to share with Sehun, too. But was that reason enough for Sehun to spiral like that and just dump him without so much as a small warning? One moment, they were all happy and in love, and the next, Sehun was dumping him.

What about all those years of friendship and love? How could Sehun just give up on all that? How could it be so easy for him to leave Kai and never look back? How much thought had he actually given about breaking up with Kai if he had been so ready to throw it in Kai’s face like that? Had he for a second thought of how he was hurting Kai? No, of course not. Not when the ‘Sehun Show’ was always going on.

No matter how reasonable Sehun’s reasons were, it was selfish and brutally hurtful. Over the years, Kai had given up and sacrificed so much for him. All out of love, not out of obligation. How could Sehun not see that? How could he just assume that it had all been nothing but a burden to Kai? Was that how little he understood about Kai?

His mother handed him a glass of water before she took her seat next to him by the kitchen island. She pinned him with a confused frown. “What happened, sweetheart?” she asked.

Kai took a sip of water and hung his head to stare vacantly into the glass. He was trying not to cry in front of his parents.

After Sehun had left him, his days had been riding an emotional rollercoaster. It had been endless loops of sadness, depression, grief, resentment and anger.

“I don’t know,” he muttered shakily. “Everything was… fine. But then… he just… he just decided that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He said that… it’s better this way. I don’t see how it’s… better this way.”

His father huffed then, his eyebrows furrowed. “It will get better,” he said. It was not much, but it meant a lot to Kai. “But it’s gotta suck for a while.”

“Sweetie,” his mother then said. “Why did he break up with you?”

Kai shook his head. “I have no idea. He was… saying some things, but at that point, my ears were ringing with the sound of my heartbeat. I still can’t believe… he broke up with me.”

He quickly wiped away a tear that rolled down his cheek.

“I… I just want to get to bed,” he said and rose to his feet. “Good night, Mom, Dad.”

They did not stop him as he made his way up to his room. He removed his shoes and plumped on his bed, planting his head in his hands. It all still felt surreal. It was as though he were missing a limb. Or perhaps just his heart. Something about him did not feel right anymore. He did not feel himself. Sehun had taken a part of Kai with him.

He dropped back on the bed and stared at the ceiling in the dark, blinking the tears in his eyes away. Would he ever feel better? It had been weeks. Would it take months? A year? Two? Kai had always been a practical person. He knew that he would not feel this way forever. People moved on eventually. But right now, he did not think that he could. Sehun had been his best friend. He had loved Sehun with his whole heart and soul for years. Now, he had to conceive a future without him. It might take him a long time to wrap his head around the idea of a future much different than the one he had dreamed up for them both.

The problem was, he was not sure he knew how to move on with his life, in the long term, without Sehun. He knew how to be with _one_ boy. He only knew how to love that _one_ boy.

* * *

Kai did not respond to the knock on the door, or the few others he had heard earlier that day. He stayed quiet as he lay there on the bed, back facing the door, eyes staring out the window at the despondent grey sky.

“Kai? Honey?” he heard his mother say on the other side of the door. Kai did not answer. He could find neither the energy nor the voice to respond. He wished the earth would swallow him whole. Now that school was out, he had more time in his hands to hate himself.

His mother opened the door and let herself in. Kai did not object her presence. But he did not feel like talking either.

“Sweetheart,” she called. “You haven’t eaten anything all day.”

Kai had not eaten much in the last couple of weeks. He had lost all appetite. He barely found the strength to leave his bed every day. He was tired, even though he stayed in most of the days. He no longer talked to his friends or classmates. While they were off celebrating the end of the semester and finals, Kai curled up in his bed and emptily stared at the darkness of his room.

“Kai,” his mother sighed, perching on the edge of the bed. “You must get up. This isn’t healthy, honey.”

Kai rubbed his eyes and shook his head. “I am fine, Mom,” he said.

“You are clearly not fine,” she said. “And it is understandable. You and Sehun… have been together for so long. It must be hard, I know.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I think you should.”

Kai sat up then and scrubbed his face with his palms. “What do you want me to say, Mom? That it is killing me? Because that is exactly how I feel. Like someone is stabbing me repeatedly in the chest. And you know what? I resent Sehun for doing this to me. He is a selfish little…” He trailed off, clenching his eyes.

“Sweetheart,” his mother let out. “Do you really think it is easy for Sehun? He must be hurting, too.”

“He broke up with me, Mom. He wanted this. He didn’t, for a second, think about how this will break me.”

“Maybe he thought about it a lot,” said his mother. Kai stared at her. “Listen. When I spoke with him a while ago, he seemed upset that you were not making more time for him. Long distance is tough, Kai. It hurts. And he was hurting. More than you know.”

“Why do I always have to be strong for the both of us?” Kai spat. “Why can’t he… understand me better? I was trying my best, Mom. He just doesn’t see it. He didn’t even give me a good enough explanation! It’s unfair. He is unfair. I can’t…”

He dropped his head back against the headboard and sniffled.

His mother patted his leg and exhaled heavily. “If you need closure,” she said. “you should go get it. Otherwise, this will eat you up. It’s no fun being left hanging in a limbo.”

She was right. Kai was bitter about the way Sehun had ended things between them. He needed to hear Sehun’s real reasons behind his decision to break up. He wanted Sehun to look him in the eye and tell him that he did not believe Kai’s love enough to see it all through and go to the end of the line with him. Two people who were in love as much as they were should not have to stay away from each other just because of some inane excuses.

So, Kai headed over to Sehun’s house. His eyes were puffy, shadowed by dark circles that hinted at his sleep deprivation and lack of rest and nourishments. He ran a tongue over his chapped lips to wet them as he made his way over to the porch, sticking his hands into the pockets of his hoodie.

After ringing the doorbell, he stood there impatiently, gnawing on the inside of his cheek. His heart was hammering against his ribs. He had not rehearsed what he wanted to say to Sehun exactly. But there were a few harsh things he wanted to get off his chest. He was going to come right out and say it. He wanted Sehun to justify the breakup.

In the midst of all the resentment and rage, there was a silly ray of hope that Kai was desperately clinging onto. He would do better, he promised himself. If Sehun would give him a second chance, he would do better, and he would not let them get to this point again. He had to let Sehun know just how much the boy meant to him. Perhaps it was his fault that he had not done that enough in the past.

Sehun’s father answered the door, like he usually did. He did not greet Kai with his usual smile, however. Instead, he looked surprised. “Kai,” he said, blinking with perplexment. “What are you doing here?”

“I would like to talk to your son, if that’s okay,” he said, and he knew his tone was a little harsher than he had intended. He was not in the mood for the niceties, anyway.

Mr. Oh crossed his arms over his chest. “Sehun is not home.”

Kai found that hard to believe. Sehun was always home. “Does he not want to see me?”

“He is not home, Kai,” the man echoed. “He had picked up a job at the candy store. That’s where he is at right now.”

It was Kai’s turn to blink in surprise. “What?”

When did Sehun muster the courage to work at the candy store? It was hard for Kai to imagine Sehun interacting with the customers on a daily basis.

“It’s just a part-time job unless he goes off to college this fall,” said Mr. Oh.

Kai rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh… Thanks.” He turned around to leave.

“Kai,” Sehun’s father called. “Are you all right?”

Kai halted in his tracks and drew a breath before glancing back to Mr. Oh. He shook his head somberly and watched Sehun’s father’s eyebrows dip low in a frown. “No, I’m not, Mr. Oh,” he said and walked away.

He found his old bike in the garage and checked the tires before he hopped on it and started for the candy store.

* * *

“Is there any sport that you like?” Kai asked as he jumped off the ground to retrieve the ball he had just shot through the net. He panted as he turned around to look at Sehun, who was sitting on the ground, arms hugging his knees to his chest. He was watching Kai play with a happy grin etched on his face. He always looked so content watching Kai play.

He shook his head. He had brought a stray cat with him to visit Kai today. It was sitting at his side, licking a paw. Sehun occasionally petted it and handed out bits of chicken nuggets he was keeping in the pockets of his shorts.

“You don’t like basketball, too?” Kai asked, walking over to him. He was only thirteen, but he already knew that one day, he wanted to be a professional basketball player. He was good at the sport, too. He had never seen Sehun be interested in anything but animals. And jellybeans.

“I like it,” he said, cheeks turning red. Kai plumped down beside him and glared at the cat between them. It was white with black spots, and it did not like him. He was not like Sehun, who was so good with animals. All of them liked him. Except that one randy cat that had bitten his nose when he tried to pick it up last year. Kai had found Sehun crying on the sidewalk, rubbing his nose. “Because you like it.”

Kai tried to shoo the cat away, but Sehun picked it up. “It’s filthy, Sehun,” he grumbled. “You like basketball because I like it, right? Well, I don’t like that cat.”

Sehun did not care. Not when it came to animals. He would even disown Kai for them. “I like her. Can’t you like her, too?”

“I don’t have to like everything you like.”

Sehun frowned. “Go now, Moo-Moo.” He tossed the cat a chicken nugget and sighed. “I won’t bring her over again.”

“You know,” Kai said. “You should become a cow doctor.”

Sehun’s eyes widened. “A what?”

“You know. Animal doctor.”

“A veterinarian?” Sehun said.

“That’s what they’re called?” Kai never knew. “Yeah. That. I think you’d be good at it.”

Sehun was happy to hear that. But then he shook his head, frowning. “What if they are very sick, and I can’t save them?”

“What if I get very sick?”

Sehun gasped. He was genuinely horrified by even the idea of it. “Kai,” he whimpered. “Please, don’t say that.”

Kai was amused. So, he decided to tease Sehun some more. “I could get very sick one day, Sehun,” he said. “And I could die.”

Sehun brought a hand up and clapped it over Kai’s mouth. “No, no, no,” he chanted, eyes welling up with tears. Kai stilled, taken aback by Sehun’s reaction. It was just a joke; he had not expected Sehun to take it so seriously. “I will die. I will die before you.”

He yanked Sehun’s hand off his face and said, “What are you talking about, Sehun? I was just kidding. No one is getting sick or dying.”

Sehun turned away and wrapped his arms around his legs, planting his chin between his knees. “I will be very sad… Kai. Please…”

Kai sighed and threw an arm over Sehun’s shoulders. “I am not going to die anytime soon, Sehun. Don’t worry.”

* * *

He started as Daryl’s assistant at the candy store last weekend. It had been four days since. Daryl had been looking after the store for the past few months. He was the owner’s son. Last week, when Sehun dropped in, Daryl had a bag of red, yellow and green jellybeans ready for him, along with a brilliant smile. Though Sehun never really had a conversation with the man, he thanked him like he always did. Daryl stopped him and asked if he would like to help him out at the store. It would not pay much, he said, but he could have all the jellybeans he wanted for free.

Sehun had hesitated to accept the job. When he went home, he told his father about it. It would only be a temporary job, and Sehun desperately needed the opportunities to get used to the outside world. He could not be sheltered from the world forever. His father could not always be there to shield him. Daryl was a nice man, too. He was a little older than Sehun, and he had a very friendly personality. Sehun did not feel too nervous around him, so that was a good thing, wasn’t it? He had to start somewhere.

His father had asked him to go for it. He thought that it was important for Sehun to start experiencing the outside world now. Besides, it would help Sehun take his mind off the breakup, that had been keeping him down for days.

He had been unable to do anything. Every part of him felt numb. He had stopped crying eventually, but nothing felt real anymore. He had no idea how painful a heartbreak was going to be.

The job turned out to be an effective distraction. The first couple of days were all about getting used to the job. The job description included keeping the place tidy, sorting the candies and managing the stock. Nothing too heavy. And Daryl was always so nice whenever Sehun had a question for him. Sehun kept his questions and conversations brief, nevertheless.

When he showed up to work this morning, Daryl greeted him with a big smile.

“Good morning, Sehun,” he had said, beaming bright. He was a couple of inches shorter than Sehun, had a nice head of dark hair, and a very pleasant smile. His smile was one of his best features. And he was one of the very few people who were always so nice to Sehun. He never looked at Sehun funny the way everyone else did when they found his behaviour peculiar. He never pressured Sehun for an answer, and when Sehun was hiding behind the shelves whenever there were customers, he did not ask him why.

“Good morning,” Sehun replied this morning. He figured that if he were going to be working here for the next few months, he ought to make the effort to get comfortable around Daryl.

Daryl’s eyes bulged out. His pale cheeks instantly filled with blood that made them florid. He was clearly not anticipating a reply. Sehun walked past the counter, behind which Daryl was standing, still gawking in surprise.

Later that day, as Sehun refilled the mini marshmallow container, he saw Daryl approach him. His heartbeat instantly quickened when he noticed the nervous look on Daryl’s face. Was he about to be fired on his fourth day?

“Hey,” said Daryl. Sehun lowered the pack of marshmallows and blinked at him. Daryl scratched the back of his head and smiled sheepishly. “Are you… um… doing anything tonight?”

Sehun said nothing immediately. He was confused. Why did Daryl want to know if he were doing anything tonight? “Do you need me to work tonight?” he asked, even though he doubted it since he knew that the store closed at 6 p.m.

“Oh, no,” Daryl said quickly, chuckling. “They’re playing _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ at the cinema tonight. I was wondering… i-if you are free… if you’d like to go see it with me tonight?”

Sehun was more confused than he was before. Why would his boss want to see a movie with him? “I don’t know what movie that is,” he said.

Daryl laughed. “It’s really good. An old classic.”

Sehun liked old classics. Like _The Sound of Music_ , _It’s a Wonderful Life, Breakfast at Tiffany’s,_ and _Singing in the Rain._ And he liked Daryl. He figured a night out at the cinema would not be such a bad idea. At least that way, he would not be spending all of his evening listening to heartbreak songs.

“Okay,” he said.

Once again, Daryl’s eyes popped out, and he stared at Sehun in disbelief for a length. Then snapping out of it, he chuckled and nodded his head. “All right,” he said. “Should we meet in front of the theatre at, say, eight?”

Sehun bowed his head in agreement.

The doorbell chimed. Daryl hurried away to entertain the customer at once, and Sehun resumed his work.

“Can I help you?” he heard Daryl say.

“No,” he heard the angry answer. “Where is he?”

His heart nearly fell out of his chest. He dropped the bag of marshmallows to the ground and walked over to the counter, where he found Kai, glancing around the store with a furious scowl playing on his brows. He looked awful. Like he had not slept in days.

His restless, bloodshot eyes found Sehun’s eventually, and all at once, all anger waned from his expression. All fight left his shoulders. Now, he just looked tired and devastated.

Sehun felt his knees go weak, threatening to buckle at any moment now. All of him wanted to run into Kai’s arms. And Kai was looking at him like he wanted to do the same thing.

“Who are you looking for?” Daryl asked.

Kai did not answer him as he continued to stare forlornly at Sehun, his face pale, lips dry and struggling to not quiver. He took a step forward, and Sehun quickly turned away.

Kai stopped. “Sehun,” he called, voice breaking.

Sehun frowned at him. “Leave,” he said. Kai winced, as though he had been physically cut. “I am working, Kai.”

“Sehun, please,” Kai let out. He sounded like he was fighting for breath. Sehun needed him to go before either of them could break into tears.

“You are causing a scene,” Sehun told him. Once again, Kai winced. “Leave me alone.”

Kai balled his hands into tight fists at his sides for a moment. But he quickly released them and heaved a heavy, disheartened sigh. He did not say anything more as he turned around and left.


	5. Chapter 5

When it was time to close the store, Sehun pulled on his jacket and muffler and walked up to Daryl. “Hey,” he said, heart pounding nervously. He had never been comfortable letting people down. Especially those who were important to him. But he had let down one of the most important people in his life, hadn’t he?

He had not been able to focus at all since Kai walked into the store earlier. He had wandered to the back to the storage room, where he quietly cried, sitting in a corner. Why would Kai come after him? Sehun had not wanted to see him. He knew that the wound was far too fresh for him see Kai again. Part of him had wanted to run into Kai’s arms the instant he saw him. He had wanted to apologize for breaking Kai’s heart. But this was how it should be. Turning back now would only hurt them both more in the future.

“I don’t think,” he began to say, his voice quavering. “I can… make it to the movie tonight.”

His heart sank when he saw the palpable disappointment in Daryl’s expression. “Oh,” he let out, rubbing the back of his neck. “Is this because of… the guy from before?”

Sehun hung his head, sucking on his lower lip. “I just need the night to… rest. I’m so sorry.”

“No, no,” said Daryl. “Don’t worry about it.” He even smiled. “We’ll catch the movie some other time.”

Sehun tried to return the smile, but he could not. He realized that he had never made a friend apart from Kai in years. He did not feel like he needed any other friends. But now, he needed them. New friends. Daryl could be a friend. But Sehun was not ready for it yet.

Just when he thought that he was ready to move on from the cutting agony of his breakup with Kai, seeing Kai again burst his bubble. He needed more time. Especially away from Kai.

“Is that, um…” Daryl asked, dithering. “your friend? Like, uh, a special friend?”

“I have to go home now, Daryl,” Sehun muttered. “I’m sorry.”

Nodding his head with his lips pursed, Daryl excused him. “Hey,” he said as Sehun started for the door. “if you… need anyone to talk to, I’m here. Okay?”

Sehun smiled at him then. Faintly. He doubted that he would _ever_ talk to Daryl about his problems, but it was nice to know that there was someone, other than his father, who was willing to lend a shoulder for Sehun to lean on. Daryl could not possibly know or understand Sehun enough, though.

As he walked out of the store, he zipped his jacket up and started for the bike rack. He halted dead in his tracks, however, when his gaze darted to the boy in the hoodie, leaning against his bike, hands scrubbing his face tiredly. His knuckles were red, and so were his nose and ears.

Sehun felt his heart sink so low into his stomach that he no longer felt it beat. Kai eventually brought his head up and looked in Sehun’s way. He pulled away from his bike at once and huffed out a heavy breath.

“Have you… been waiting out here, in the cold, all this time?” Sehun asked, his voice breaking.

Kai licked his lips. They looked dry and chapped. He looked tired and sleepless. Had he not been looking after himself properly the last few weeks? Was it stress from his finals or… was it the breakup? Perhaps it had been both.

Sehun wanted to kick himself for having done this to Kai. He could have at least waited until Kai was done with his exams.

He walked over to Kai and surveyed his face with a deep frown. “Why are you here?” he asked, agonizing over the dark circles around Kai’s eyes and the stubble on his chin. “What do you want?”

“What do I… want?” Kai let out, sounding both baffled and devastated. “You, Sehun. I want _you_.”

That was a knife to the heart. Sehun felt his knees wobble then. He turned around so fast that he stumbled over his own feet. If he stayed put any longer, he’d break into tears.

Before he could walk away, however, Kai lunged at him and caught his arm, stopping him. “Sehun, please,” he said, his hoarse voice shaking.

“No,” Sehun whimpered, eyes stinging with tears. “Let me go. Please.”

“Are you punishing me?” asked Kai. Sehun stopped then, jaw falling slack as he turned around to meet Kai’s frowning gaze.

“What?”

“You’re punishing me, right?” Kai rasped, his breathing ragged and shallow. “I know that I hadn’t been around much. I know that… I forget our video chat dates. I know that I ignored you when I was too tired some days. I got caught up with college and I… I was not there for you. I am sorry. I will try and do better. You deserve _better_. I will be a better boyfriend, Sehun. So, please, stop punishing me.”

Sehun balled his hands into tight fists until his fingernails dug in deep into his palms. “I am not… punishing you, Kai,” he breathed out in a strained whisper. “Why would I…”

“I’m in hell, Sehun,” Kai said. Sehun wanted him to stop talking. This was tearing him apart. His hand around Sehun’s arm tightened as he closed the distance between them. “For years… it’s been us. Just us. I did… take you for granted for a while there. You did not deserve that. I am… was your boyfriend, and I should have made you my priority. You were. I promise you… you were and have always been my priority. I just got distracted for a bit.”

“Kai, it’s not—”

His hand slipped from Sehun’s forearm and wrapped around Sehun’s hand. Sehun tried to pull away, but Kai’s tight grip held him in place. Kai’s fatigued eyes were now glistening with tears. “I… love you, Sehun,” he croaked out, choking on a sob. Sehun felt his own eyes sting, too. “It wasn’t… fair. You just… said that… you don’t want to do this anymore and you… walked away. You didn’t give me a chance to explain myself. You certainly didn’t give me any warning. I was totally blindsided and I was… I was broken down, Sehun. I am not trying to blame you, but… did you even for a second… think about how this would… affect _me_? Or did you think… that I wouldn’t care?”

“This is the right thing to do, Kai,” Sehun said, still trying to free his hand from Kai’s grip without much success. He blinked the tears in his eyes away, swallowing the lump in his throat that made it difficult for him to speak.

“For whom?” Kai asked then, his expression hardening into a scowl.

Sehun licked his lips. “For… the both of us. It’s for the best.”

“You did this because you thought this was for the best? If you wanted to dump me because you hated me or you didn’t love me anymore,” Kai spat, the misery in his voice turning into frustration and anger. “then fine. It’s reasonable. But who the fuck gave you the right to decide what’s best for me? Do you think it hasn’t been hard for me to be with you all these years? Since we were kids! It’s always been different with you, Sehun! You have never made anything easy for me! Except… falling in love with you.”

Sehun hung his head, a tear rolling down his cheek. He could not bring himself to say anything as he was being yelled at. He did not want to hear any of this, but he knew he owed Kai this much at least.

“But it had never… stopped me from wanting to be with you, Sehun,” said Kai. “You have this… idea that you are a burden for me. And I know that you won’t believe me when I say that you’re not. Yes, it’s different. We’re different. But it had never bothered me. It isn’t easy to be with you, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are so… insecure of my love for you that you were ready to cut off everything with me just because of a few spats. How do you think that makes me feel? I am confident about my love for you. What I want to know is if you have ever… been confident about yours… for me.”

Sehun could not answer the question, mostly because he was afraid that if he opened his mouth, he would burst into a sob.

“I don’t know… how to be with someone else, Sehun,” Kai said. His fingers were trembling around Sehun’s. “It’s only… you. It’s always been just you.”

Sehun closed his eyes momentarily, wishing that he were brave enough to speak. Sometimes, it was better to die than to speak.

He pulled his hand away from Kai’s and opened his eyes to meet Kai’s pained gaze. “I think… I need some time… to myself, Kai,” he exhaled. Kai blinked confusedly at him. “I am too dependent on you. Since I was a child. My entire world… revolved around you, and I can’t… be that way anymore. I need to learn to let you go, and I have to… learn to love myself… when you are not around a bit more.”

“Why do we have to break up for that?” asked Kai, sounding desperate. He tried to take hold of Sehun’s hand once more.

Flinching away, Sehun said, “Because I need to learn to be happy without you. You have always been there to protect me, to talk to me, to love me, to be my friend. I need to know that… I can go on, that I can survive when you no longer want to be around me.”

“I _want_ to be around you, Sehun. Why are you making it more complicated than it has to be?!”

“Because I need it!” Sehun snapped then. Kai blenched, eyes widened. “Please, try to understand. I am different, like you said. I don’t even remember what my mother looked like, but her death had ruined me. My entire life, I’ve been trying to get over her abandoning me.”

“I’m not going to abandon you.”

“Just… give me some time. Can you?”

Kai clenched his eyes and rubbed them before he turned his back to Sehun, running his fingers through his hair to grip it out of frustration. Then heaving a heavy breath, he faced Sehun again.

“All right,” he said defeatedly at length, his glassy eyes boring into Sehun’s. “Time… I can… give you time. As much as you want.”

“Kai,” Sehun called as Kai turned around. “I’m sorry, too.”

Kai wordlessly stared at Sehun for a moment before he scoffed with a lifeless smile, shaking his head. “You know,” he said. “You could have talked to me about it. Instead of… springing it on me the other night. No explanation, no nothing. You left me to beat myself up over it for days. So, _I’m_ sorry you didn’t have enough trust in me to believe that I would be able to understand you.”

Kai got him there. Sehun stood there, still and unbreathing, as Kai jumped onto his bike and rode away, though not in the direction of home.

As Sehun made his way home, he cried against the biting cold wind, wondering if he had made a terrible mistake. He had been quite sure about his decision until a while ago. Until Kai confronted him. Now, he realized that it was incredibly unreasonable of him to have broken up with Kai like that without having talked to him about it before. He had called all the shots. He did not give Kai a second chance. He had not considered Kai’s needs. It had indeed been a selfish move. Sehun had never felt like more of a coward.

* * *

“Oh, Sehun! Look!” Kai exclaimed, pointing to the two kittens playing on the sidewalk. He figured Sehun would be interested in them.

Gasping, Sehun yanked his hand out of Kai’s grip and ran over to the kittens. “No, don’t run away,” he wheezed as the kittens scurried away when they saw him advancing towards them, skipping with excitement.

Kai chuckled as Sehun came to a halt, shoulders slumping. “It’s okay,” he told Sehun and grabbed hold of his hand again. “They will come around again.”

Pouting, Sehun followed Kai towards home. “I put out milk for them. But they never come over. I always see them playing on the road. But they run away as soon as they see me.”

“Why don’t you just get a pet or something?” said Kai.

Sehun shrugged. “What if I suddenly died? They would be lonely.”

Kai stopped and turned to face Sehun with a shocked expression. “ _That’s_ why you don’t want a pet? What if you have a family in the future? A wife? Kids?”

“I don’t want wife and kids,” Sehun said, his cheeks crimsoning. He always blushed when he was embarrassed. He was never able to hide it. Kai liked seeing him blush.

“What do you mean?” snorted Kai. “Everyone wants wife and kids.”

“Do you?”

Kai nodded his head. “Yeah. After I’m a professional basketball player.”

They crossed the road together with Sehun’s hand secured in Kai’s. “Are you… going to marry… Lily?” asked Sehun.

Kai pinned him with a grimace. “No!” he yapped. Sehun flinched. “Why would I want to marry _Lily_?!”

Sehun hung his head, gnawing at his lower lip. “I heard your friends say that she likes you. And you said she’s pretty.”

“So? She’s not _that_ pretty,” said Kai. “I like Jennifer Lopez.”

Sehun’s face died at that, blood draining from his cheeks. He was not able to hide his disappointment. He never had been able to. “Oh… Which grade is she in?”

Kai rolled his eyes. “She does not go to our school, Sehun.”

“Which school does she go to?”

Kai fixed Sehun with a look. “She is a celebrity.”

The distress in Sehun’s face melted away at one. “Oh.”

“What were we even talking about?”

“Wife and kids.”

“Ah, yes. How amazing would it be if Jennifer Lopez was my wife?” He laughed.

Sehun was quiet. He was quiet most of the time, but right now, it seemed like he was lost in his thoughts. “Why did you… go with Lily?”

“Huh?”

Sehun swallowed before speaking again. He kept his gaze low, refusing to meet Kai’s eyes. “Last Halloween,” he whispered. “you left me… and went trick-or-treating with her.”

“No, I did not leave you,” said Kai, though he could barely remember what had happened last Halloween. Sehun did not try to argue with him. He continued to keep his head down, his hand soft in Kai’s. “ _You_ did not want to go with us, remember?”

Sehun said nothing, but Kai could tell that he was upset. How could he have been holding onto this since last Halloween?

“Bye-bye,” Sehun said in a whisper when they reached his home. He withdrew his hand and wended his way to his porch. Kai exhaled a sigh and proceeded towards his own house.

Later that afternoon, Kai went on a hunt. With a picnic basket he had found in the kitchen.

“Where are you going with that basket?” his mother asked when she caught him trying to slip out through the backdoor.

“Oh,” Kai said. “I’m going to catch the kittens that’ve been running around the street.”

His mother blinked at him. “ _Why_?” she asked, arching her brows.

“Sehun wants to play with them. But they keep running away.”

His mother sighed. “So, you thought you’d just kidnap them and take them to Sehun?”

“Yep.”

His mother was silent for a moment as she stared at her son with her lips pursed. Then huffing, she hurried over to the refrigerator to retrieve a can of tuna. “Here,” she said, tossing the can over to Kai. “Use that to lure them.”

Grinning, Kai scampered out of the door. He was determined to find those two grey kittens even if it took him all afternoon.

And it did. When he found them, they were playing in a shrub, roughhousing one another. They leaped out of the shrub as soon as Kai opened the can of tuna.

When Sehun opened the door, knowing that it had to be Kai ringing the doorbell at this hour, he was wearing a _Pikachu_ T-shirt and shorts with white socks. He was holding a half-bitten chocolate chip cookie in his hand.

“I cannot play right now,” Sehun muttered shyly, clinging to the doorframe. “My cartoon is on.”

Sehun had never turned Kai down for a cartoon, though. It was clear that he was still upset about what had happened earlier and did not want to play with Kai.

“No,” said Kai. “I don’t want to play.”

Sehun’s gaze fell to the picnic basket Kai was holding when the kittens started meowing anxiously. He gasped and dropped the cookie to the ground.

Kai grinned. “I found the cats you wanted to play with!”

Sehun stepped out to the porch as his breathing quickened with exhilaration. “Let me see.”

Kai lowered the basket to the ground and opened the lid. “I gave them some tuna. It was actually pretty easy to catch them.”

“They are so cute,” Sehun let out, panting as he slipped a hand into the basket and picked out a kitten. He placed it in his lap and stroked it, scratching its head. “The other one, too!”

Kai grabbed the second kitten and settled it on Sehun’s lap. “Are you happy?”

Sehun nodded his head excitedly, beaming from ear to ear. Kai sat down on the porch with him and smiled as Sehun played with the kittens.

“Do you forgive me now?” Kai asked after a while.

Sehun brought his head up to look at Kai confusedly. “What?”

“For… last Halloween.”

Sehun quickly nodded his head, picking up one of the kittens to give its head a smooch. “Yes. So cute.”

* * *

“Something on your mind, son?” his father asked.

Sehun blinked and looked up at the man. It was then when he realized he had been pushing the food on his plate around with the fork, not having much appetite to stomach any of it.

He shook his head.

His father sighed. “Kai came looking for you earlier,” he said. Sehun’s eyes widened. “He seemed… upset.”

Sehun swallowed hard, his fingers tightening around the fork.

“Did you… see him today?” inquired his father.

Sehun nodded his head this time. “I did,” he exhaled.

“And it didn’t go well?”

Shaking his head once more, Sehun placed the fork down. “I made him very sad, Dad. I feel like I was so unfair to him.”

“Look, Sehun,” his father said. “You are not responsible for his misery, okay? You should not blame yourself for that.”

“But would you hurt someone you love?”

His father mulled over that for a moment, staring at Sehun. He rubbed his temples and said, “No. But… if you had your reasons, then there is nothing more to say.”

“Were they good enough reasons, Dad?” Sehun asked, though the question was directed more towards himself. “Did I… act too rash?”

“Sometimes,” his father said calmly. “we need… some clarity in a relationship. Any kind of relationship. Family, friends, lovers. And sometimes, the best way to achieve that clarity is through… distance. And separation.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Do what your heart tells you to do, champ,” said his father. “What is it saying?”

From the surface to the deepest burrow, all that Sehun heart was _Kai_. His heart wanted nothing but to run across the street and fall into Kai’s arms once again. But his head told him otherwise. He had made the right decision. In the long run, this was how it was going to be.

“Can I be excused?” he asked his father, who bowed his head.

When Sehun reached his bedroom, he sat on the windowsill and gazed forlornly towards Kai’s house. How long would he stay, Sehun wondered? It could all be over for good when Kai left for college again.

* * *

“Hey, sweetie,” his mother greeted him when he sauntered into the kitchen in the morning. “I made blueberry pancakes.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Kai sighed and gave her a kiss on the head before taking a seat at the kitchen island. As he dug into the stack of pancakes after smothering them in syrup, he noticed the way his mother was staring at him nervously. “What is it?”

She cleared her throat and ruffled his hair on the back of his head. “Did you talk to Sehun?”

Exhaling heavily, Kai stuffed his mouth with more pancakes. “Yeah,” he mumbled.

“And? How did it go?”

“He won’t take me back,” Kai spat bluntly. He supposed he was still frustrated. He had not been able to sleep last night either. He kept thinking of all the good times he and Sehun had had together. And he could not find a single reason as to why he would ever want to break up with Sehun.

But apparently, Sehun had plenty of reasons to break up with him, hadn’t he?

“Oh, honey,” his mother said, frowning.

“He said he needs time,” Kai grumbled. “He thinks he depends too much on me. Like that’s the worst thing in the world.”

“I’m sure he did not mean it that way.”

“He did, Mom. He doesn’t care about what I say. He’s made up his mind.”

His mother stroked his hair once more before she pulled away. “I think you should take a step back. Give him the time he needs. It could help him realize things that he had not before.”

“Yeah, whatever he wants,” Kai huffed under his breath, rising from his seat. “I’m going for a walk.”

“All right, sweetheart.”

As he made his way out of the house, he slipped a hand into the pocket of his jacket and fished out the pack of cigarettes he had gotten yesterday. He had smoked once or twice before at parties, but he never thought of smoking for the feel of it. His father would have his head if he found out. But he suddenly felt like doing something reckless.

Placing a cigarette between his lips, he lighted it and took a long drag before puffing out a thick pall of smoke. He wondered what Sehun would say about it if he knew that Kai smoked now. He would throw a fit, no doubt. A quiet, passive fit.

* * *

When he saw Daryl approach him while he was sorting the jellybeans, Sehun unconsciously looked for an escape. He realized there was none and braced himself.

“Hey,” said Daryl with his usual smile. “You want to go see the movie tonight?”

Sehun scratched the back of his head and faltered for a moment. He was not in the mood to watch a movie, especially with Daryl. It was not as though he had anything against Daryl, but he still barely knew the man.

But he did not want to refuse the man twice. That would be so rude, wouldn’t it? Besides, Sehun could get some caramel popcorn at the theater.

“What time?” he asked.

Daryl flashed a toothy grin. “Uh… Seven? Does seven sound good to you?”

Sehun nodded.

“I can swing by your place and pick you up.”

“You know where I live?”

“Of course,” chuckled Daryl. “Small town.”

Sehun licked his lips and said, “Okay.”

* * *

He had been sitting out on the porch for over an hour. He glanced at the cigarette butts strewn at his sides and sighed. He was getting tired of just sitting out there, smoking and hoping that Sehun would come out of his house just to say hello.

He missed Sehun. Terribly.

Just when he was about to wend his way back inside after getting rid of all the cigarette ends and airing out his jacket, he saw a car pull up in Sehun’s driveway.

Confused and curious, Kai lingered down the porch, hands stuck in the pockets of his jacket and stared at the stranger who had pulled up.

It did not take him too long to realize that it was not a stranger after all. It was the guy who was at the store when Kai went over there looking for Sehun.

“What is he doing here?” he muttered to himself, eyebrows furrowing into a scowl.

The guy anxiously rubbed his hands together and took in a few deep breaths before he leaped up the porch steps and rang the doorbell. He was a few inches shorter than Kai and looked quite geeky. Not the kind of people Kai usually befriended.

Before he even realized it, he was crossing the road and walking towards Sehun’s house. Was he being a little too nosy? Maybe.

“You’re from the candy store, aren’t you?” he asked to get the guy’s attention.

He turned to Kai and blinked. “Oh… It’s you.”

Kai decided instantly that he did not like the guy’s attitude. “Did you get lost? What are you doing here?”

The door opened right then, and Sehun stepped out, clad in a white sweatshirt with a jacket on his arm. “Kai,” he let out, eyes bulging out.

Kai mustered Sehun from head to bottom and cocked an eyebrow. “Where are you going with this clown looking so dapper?”

Sehun swallowed and glanced briefly to the candy store guy before turning back to Kai. “We were just going to… catch a movie together.”

Kai was not sure why it did not surprise him or shock him. Instead, he felt incredibly numb. He scoffed out a laugh and nodded. “Of course, you are. I suppose this is all a part of… you needing time away from me, right?”

“Kai,” Sehun said, frowning, as he climbed down the porch steps.

“All good, Sehun,” Kai said. “Go and enjoy your little date.”

“Kai, Daryl and I are just watching a movie,” Sehun rasped. “What was it called? _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre._ It’s not a date.”

Kai laughed for real this time. He looked over to Daryl and laughed again. “Oh, he’s going to _love_ that movie. Right in his arena. Nailed it. Have like three buttloads of fun.” He waved them goodbye and turned on his heel to walk away. As he turned, his smile faltered, replaced by an enraged scowl.

“You dated that jerk?” he heard Daryl grumble behind him.

Turning around, Kai shot him a smirk and held him both his middle fingers at the guy before he slid his hands back into the jacket pockets and headed home.


	6. Chapter 6

He tossed and turned sleeplessly on his bed that night. Now that the anger had waned, he stayed up staring at the ceiling of his room in the darkness as sorrow continued to grab him by the throat, making it difficult for him to breathe.

He ran his fingers through his hair and gripped it, gnashing his teeth hard. He had not been able to stop his thoughts from going to all sorts of dark places. He had been an idiot, hadn’t he? He had fallen for Sehun’s innocent act all this time. Except that he knew that it wasn’t an act. Sehun was innocent. Perhaps not anymore, but he was when Kai fell in love with him. Was he the one who had foolishly believed that he and Sehun would last forever? That there was no other future.

But look at Sehun, already moving on.

After all the things that Kai had sacrificed for Sehun’s sake all these years, how could Sehun do this? How could he move on so fast right after breaking up with Kai? Or was this the real reason for the breakup in the first place? Did he dump Kai for the other guy?

Kai scoffed, blinking away the stinging tears in his eyes. He clenched them and drew in a few deep breaths.

As much as these were sound notions, he could not bring himself to believe either of those theories. He had known Sehun for more than half of his life. Even though Sehun thought that Kai could never completely understand his situation, Kai knew him better than that.

He believed, whole-heartedly, that Sehun loved him. Still.

His frustration had led him to all these terrible thoughts. More than anything, he wanted Sehun back. Seeing him with Daryl, even as friends, enraged Kai. The bitter taste in his mouth and the green-eyed monster that was clawing at his stomach made it hard for him to see past the red. He was not just Sehun’s boyfriend. He was his best friend, too. And Kai did not want to be replaced. Not in any way.

But he was not being fair. Especially since he had not been there for Sehun when the boy needed him to be. He should be happy for Sehun. But he wasn’t. He was human after all. Flawed and capable of horrific emotions.

What did Sehun even know about this Daryl guy? Did he know him well enough to go to the cinema together? In the evening? When Sehun’s father was not home? Did Sehun’s father even know about their little movie date?

While Kai obsessed and chewed his brain over all of this, his phone buzzed on the nightstand. He thought of ignoring it at first, but when he glanced at the caller ID, he shot upright and grabbed the phone without missing a heartbeat.

Though he answered the call immediately, he hesitated to speak. He heard Sehun say, “Kai?” on the other end. His voice was shaking a little.

“Yeah,” Kai let out at length with a lockjaw. His heart was pounding fiercely in his chest with worry and curiosity. It was the first time Sehun had called him in a while. Even before the breakup, he always preferred texting to calling. Had something gone wrong? Did that bastard Daryl try to do something?

“Were you sleeping?” asked Sehun. “Did I wake you?”

It was so like Sehun to worry about imposing and putting someone off, even when he was in dire need for help. “No,” Kai answered curtly and waited impatiently for Sehun to tell him why he had called.

He could hear Sehun dithering on the other end. “I’m so sorry,” he said, and Kai wondered what he was apologizing for. He figured there were quite a bit of things Sehun had to apologize for. “Can you… come and get me?”

“What?” asked Kai, grimacing with confusion.

Sehun swallowed before speaking again. “I don’t have a ride home, and Dad isn’t home. It’s so… dark.”

Kai scrambled out of the bed and hurriedly grabbed his pants. “What happened to your candy store boy?” he asked, trying to keep a calm tone as he pulled on a hoodie over his T-shirt.

“He… He left,” said Sehun with a strained voice.

Kai was already bolting out of his room and racing down the staircase. “Where are you?”

“In front of the theatre.”

Grabbing his father’s car keys, Kai did not bother to say anything to his parents, who were upstairs, as he hurtled out of the house and started for the garage. “Stay where you are,” he told Sehun before hanging up.

Jumping into the car, he quickly pulled it out to the driveway before steering it straight for the theatre.

* * *

When he arrived at the theatre, he found Sehun seated on the sidewalk outside the theatre, hugging his knees. Climbing out of the car, he quickly walked toward the boy, hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“So, did he ditch you or did you send him running for the hills?” Kai asked, still feeling very bitter about the whole thing.

Sehun’s head shot up first before he rose to his feet, looking at Kai with palpable guilt and shame in his expression. “I’m sorry,” he said in a hoarse whisper. “The movie… was so scary. I wanted to walk back home, but… it’s so dark. There was… I can’t even talk about it. I walked out of the theatre before the movie even ended. And Daryl was upset that I did that, and he kept asking me questions, but I didn’t feel like talking to him. So, I asked him to leave me alone.”

Kai huffed exasperatedly, grinding his teeth. “You were the one who wanted to go to the movies with a guy you barely knew. Now, he left you alone at night, and guess who has to come and rescue you.”

Sehun met Kai’s furious gaze with a pained one. “Kai,” he said in a soft, diffident voice. Kai wanted to remain steely, unwavering. But even looking at Sehun made Kai’s heart waver. “It wasn’t… a date. I swear.”

“So what if it was?” asked Kai, clenching his hands into fists. “Why you should you care what I think? Didn’t we break up? Sorry. Didn’t _you_ break up with _me_? You said that I do not understand you. You said that you needed to learn to love yourself because you couldn’t do that while you were with me. Could you do while you were with that guy? Is hanging out with him… I don’t know, worth your time? Because you said you needed time _away_ from _me_.”

“Kai, please,” Sehun whimpered out, eyes welling up with tears. “That is not what I…”

Kai exhaled a heavy sigh. “Just get in the car,” he said. “I’ll take you home.”

As he turned on his heel, Sehun caught Kai’s arm and stopped him. His eyes bored into Kai’s for a moment. He closed the distance between them and dropped his face against Kai’s shoulder, one of his hands wrapped around Kai’s arm and the other rising to fist around Kai’s hoodie by the chest.

“I don’t want Daryl or anyone else,” he whispered, resting his cheek on Kai’s shoulder. “I will only ever want you, Kai.”

Licking his lips, Kai brought a hand to the small of Sehun’s back and nuzzled into a side of Sehun’s neck. “Then why are you doing this, Sehun? Can’t we just… go back to how everything was before?”

“We can’t,” said Sehun. “That is the problem. We are… changing, aren’t we?”

He raised his head and pulled back a little to look at Kai’s eyes. Kai supposed Sehun was right about that. There was no way that things could go back to the way they were before.

“I just wanted to… be normal for once,” he said, his hand sliding down Kai’s chest. “Have a part-time job. Go to college. Make friends. I wanted to see if I can… be like everyone else. And I only wanted to be Daryl’s friend.”

Kai sighed. “I know,” he said. “I was… I was just being stupid about the whole Daryl thing. I hated the thought of… you with someone else, Sehun. I am sorry I am making this harder for you. I will… try to do better. I will try to stay away… as much as I could.”

Sehun looked at him breathlessly for a length, as though Kai had said something unbelievable. He withdrew his hands and lowered his gaze to the ground as his cheeks turned red.

Kai blinked at them.

Later in the car, Sehun was silent for the whole ride, and Kai did not say a word either. But the tension between them had never been more deafening. Something that Kai had said had rubbed Sehun the wrong way. Or the right way. Kai could not really tell.

When Kai could no longer bear the silence, he said, “Was the movie that bad?”

Sehun glanced at him with a frown. “Please, don’t remind me of it. My dad won’t be home until tomorrow evening.”

“Sorry,” Kai muttered. He felt a little guilty about not having warned Sehun before he went to see the movie. Though he was fuming a little about Daryl leaving Sehun alone at the theatre, he was glad that the guy had not stuck around for the rest of the night. Sehun might not have any dirty intentions with Daryl, but the same could not be said for Daryl. Let’s just say that Kai knew the look. And Daryl was looking at Sehun with that very look.

He supposed Sehun was still quite innocent to have not noticed.

When he pulled into Sehun’s driveway, he unlocked the doors and looked at Sehun, who was sitting still in his seat without turning a hair.

“We’re home,” Kai said in case Sehun had spaced out and had not realized that they had reached his house.

But Sehun nodded his head slowly, fingers tightly curled around the hem of his sweater. He looked like he was struggling to say something possibly embarrassing.

Heaving a sigh, Kai realized what Sehun was worrying about asking. “Do you want me to keep you company for a while?” he offered before Sehun could ask him.

Raising his head at last, Sehun turned in his way with a soft gaze. “Just for a while?”

“Just for a while.”

As he followed Sehun up the porch steps, he hoped that his father would not notice that his car had gone missing and so was his son at this hour of the night. He stayed close to Sehun as the latter quickly unlocked the front door and let them in.

“Do you want something to drink?” Sehun asked, turning on all the lights in the house.

“Just some water,” Kai muttered as he started for the couch. Lounging on it, he closed his eyes momentarily, leaning his head back against the couch. “Where is your dad, by the way?”

Sehun returned with a glass of water. “He went away to see his editor,” he said, handing the glass out to Kai. He took a shy seat next to Kai on the couch and stared at the floor vacantly.

“Are you okay?” inquired Kai, recalling how shaken up Sehun had looked when he found him at the theatre earlier. He felt Sehun shudder lightly when he brought a hand to touch the boy’s back.

“I’m sorry that Daryl called you a jerk,” he whispered.

Kai retrieved his hand from Sehun’s back and sighed. “You don’t have to apologize for him. And he wasn’t wrong.”

Sehun looked at him then with a frown on his brows. “But you are not a jerk.”

“I have been lately, haven’t I?” muttered Kai, lowering his head. He rubbed his forehead tiredly. “Things have been rough. And I… I haven’t been dealing with any of them maturely. It’s just that… this is throwing me for a loop, you know? It’s like the biggest curve ball life has ever thrown at me and I don’t know how to deal with it. So, I take it out on you. Blame everything on you. I shouldn’t be doing that. You wouldn’t have… wanted to split if I had been a better boyfriend.”

“You were,” Sehun let out. “It was me who was expecting too much. I felt like I was… burdening you. And that’s why I want to be a bit more independent, Kai. So that I can lessen the burden on your shoulders. I want to be your strength, not your weakness. I want to be the one to launch you off great new vistas. Not the one holding you back.”

Kai reached out and took hold of Sehun’s hand then. He was glad when Sehun did not pull the hand away. “And I should be here to help you with that, Sehun. For most of our lives, it’s been you and I. Figuring things out together. Even if you don’t want me to be your boyfriend, I… I think I would be happy with us… being friends. I just want to be with you. Be there for you. It would help _me_ stay sane, Sehun.”

He cupped a side of Sehun’s face and pressed their foreheads together.

“You think you’re the one who depends too much on me,” Kai said in a low, whispery voice as his thumb gently stroked Sehun’s cheekbone. “But it’s me… who depends on you. I took you for granted. I know. But I will never do that again.”

“Kai…”

“Let me be here for you this time,” Kai murmured. “Please. As a friend, if nothing more. Don’t push me away completely. I like the person I am when I’m around you. Without you these past few weeks, I’ve become this… unfeeling zombie that… can’t even think straight. I will learn to love you differently… if you want us to stay as just friends.”

He was not sure if he even meant it. He did not know if he would ever learn to love Sehun differently. But if it was the only way, then he would try. He could not let Sehun get by in this world without him. All these years, he had been there for Sehun, hadn’t he? He would try to still be there for him for the rest of their lives.

He stared at Sehun worriedly, awaiting his response. He was completely taken by surprise when Sehun kissed him then. On the lips. Ever so tenderly.

Sehun’s lips were as soft as Kai remembered them. Yielding and submissive. His eyes were clenched tight, and his hands were resting on Kai’s leg. What was he doing, Kai wondered. But he did not spend any more than a second on that thought as he slid his fingers into Sehun’s hair at the back of his head and started kissing him back with twice the desperation and hunger.

Sehun pulled back all of a sudden, breaking the kiss, much to Kai’s dismay. Licking his lips, he sat up straight and stared at the ground, hands cupped over his knees.

Kai cleared his throat and sucked in a shaky breath, wondering if he had touched Sehun anywhere inappropriately while he was carried away by the kiss. “What was… that for?” he asked in a whisper.

Sehun was silent, staring at the floor. His shoulders were trembling a little, and his breathing sounded ragged.

Kai heaved another sigh. “You know what,” he muttered. “I should just go.”

As he started to rise from the couch, Sehun grabbed hold of his hand and looked up at him like a kicked puppy. For once, Kai wished that the boy would just open his mouth and speak his mind. What was he thinking, what did he kiss Kai for, what did he want, what should Kai do to make him happy, what grieved him, what he liked, what he did not. For years, Kai had to guess what Sehun wanted to say but couldn’t. Sometimes, he guessed wrong.

“What do you want, Sehun?” he asked tiredly, eyebrows furrowing in a loose frown. “I want you to tell me exactly what is it that you want because I’m tired of guessing and getting it wrong.”

Sehun rose to his feet, his hand still wrapped around Kai’s. “I wish I could,” he said.

Kai ran his fingers through his hair and huffed heavily. “Then I suppose I have to keep guessing,” he replied before his hand flew up to grab a side of Sehun’s head as an arm curled around Sehun’s waist.

Pulling Sehun close, Kai smashed their lips together and kissed him fiercely, knocking all the air out of Sehun’s chest. His tongue stroked against Sehun’s when the boy parted his lips to gasp for breath, his hands clinging to Kai’s hoodie, his knees turning to water.

When Kai broke the kiss and drew back, Sehun involuntarily leaned forward, his lips chasing after Kai’s for more. “Is that what you want?” Kai asked, eyes boring into Sehun’s.

Sehun exhaled shakily, hands splayed on Kai’s chest. “Is this wrong?” he asked at length, voice quavering. “I can’t stop myself. I made such a huge mess and now I’m… I’m doing this. I make everything so difficult for you.”

“Stop it,” Kai said. “Stop worrying so much about me. You wanted to love yourself? Then put yourself first. Stop worrying about whether or not you’re a burden to me. I love you. I am happy… when I’m with you. Do you feel the same about me? That’s all that matters, Sehun. Neither of us has to play the martyr in this relationship. If you don’t want me anymore, then let me walk away right now. If not…”

Sehun did not seem reluctant, though he stayed quiet. He kept his hands fisted around Kai’s hoodie, unwilling to let him go.

“Say it, Sehun,” Kai urged him. “What do you want?”

Sehun swallowed hard and met Kai’s eyes. “I,” he whispered. “don’t want you to go.”

Kai felt the knots in his stomach melt away at once, and his chest that had been tight for days finally came loose. He cupped Sehun’s jaw in a hand and leaned in for another kiss, a slower, gentler one this time. Sehun kissed him back, his fingers tangling in the strands of Kai’s hair.

He moaned softly against Kai’s lips when Kai slid his hands back and cupped Sehun’s ass over the jeans. “Can we go upstairs?” Kai breathed into the kiss without breaking it as one of his hands snaked into Sehun’s sweater and caressed the small of his back, making Sehun shiver against his body.

Nodding his head shakily, Sehun took hold of Kai’s hand and pulled him toward the staircase. Kai caught him by the waist mid-stairs and pinned him against the railing to kiss him again. Lips, cheeks, neck. They fumbled for a moment as Sehun tried to yank the hoodie over Kai’s head before they hurried the rest of the way up to Sehun’s room.

They did not bother to turn on the lights as they spilled into the room in tangled limbs. Kai slammed the door shut behind him, arms hooked around Sehun’s waist, mouths locked, as they stumbled toward the bed. Kai drew in a sharp breath when Sehun slid a hand into his T-shirt and walked it up the firm muscles of his abdomen.

As soon as they hit the bedframe, Kai shoved Sehun to fall back against the bed before he climbed into it, crawling over Sehun and straddling him. “Are you sure… you want this?” he asked, pulling back briefly.

Sehun did not hesitate for a second as he quickly nodded his head, threw his arms around Kai’s neck and pulled him back down for a kiss. He shifted on the bed under Kai to lock his legs around Kai’s waist as Kai lowered his hips to grind them against Sehun’s.

He wondered if Sehun still kept their ‘supplies’ in the bedside table for the nights when Kai used to stay over, quietly making love. He carded his fingers through Sehun’s hair and kissed him on the chin before sucking Sehun’s lower lip into his mouth tenderly.

He let out a soft groan at all the clothes that were in the way and rose to his knees between Sehun’s legs to peel his T-shirt off before flinging it to the floor. He then hurriedly undid the fly of his pants while Sehun pulled his own sweater off.

Kai then paused, drawing in deep breaths, as he marvelled at Sehun’s body for a few moments, eyes keen on the protruding collarbones, pink nipples, the flat planes of his belly, the narrow navel that complemented it all. Kai bowed his head and placed a kiss on Sehun’s belly while keeping his gaze fixed on Sehun’s face.

Sehun curled his lower lip between his teeth and bit on it as he watched Kai slither his way up, leaving a trail of kisses behind on his body. “Kai,” he moaned out in a breath, hands rising to Kai’s shoulders as Kai latched his mouth around one of his nipples. He gasped lightly when Kai teased the nipple with his tongue under which it promptly hardened. He fisted his hand in Kai’s hair and tugged at it as his body arched off the bed while Kai gently sucked the nipple before he slid up to pepper Sehun’s collarbones and the base of his neck with hot, soft kisses.

“God, I’ve missed you,” Kai groaned into a crook of Sehun’s neck, rubbing his crotch against Sehun’s. He did not know where they would stand after this. Would everything go back to the way they were? Or would they start anew? Would Sehun still want the time away from him? Kai decided not to worry about it right now. For now, he got to hold Sehun in his arms after so long, and that was enough.

“Kai,” Sehun called, hands cupping the sides of Kai’s face. Kai raised his head to look into Sehun’s eyes. “I never meant to hurt you,” he whispered, drawing his thumb along Kai’s lips while Kai ran his hand down a side of Sehun’s torso. “I thought… I’d be doing you a favour. But I shouldn’t have made the decision for you.”

Kai brushed a kiss on Sehun’s forehead and said, “We can take things slow. You are right. We are changing. Let’s figure it out together, okay?”

Sehun pushed himself up and kissed Kai on the lips, hands gliding down Kai’s back. “Tomorrow,” he whispered. “Let’s do it tomorrow.”

Kai smirked. Sehun was a boy with needs too after all. Right now, they both were just seeking some comfort in one another. “Tomorrow.”

It was the first time Sehun was not blushing with embarrassment when they were being intimate. It was clear that he wanted Kai as much as Kai wanted him. He slipped a hand into Kai’s pants and palmed his cock as Kai kissed him, tongue licking the insides of his mouth.

Sehun plopped Kai down onto the bed all of a sudden and climbed on top, straddling Kai’s thighs. Straightening up, he pressed his hands down on Kai’s chest and breathed heavily with his lips parted. Kai brought his own hands to the sides of Sehun’s waist and licked his lips, simply loving the sight of Sehun sitting on top of him.

When he tried to sit up, Sehun shoved him by the chest to lie back down. Kai arched an eyebrow at the other boy, who slid down and hooked his fingers into the waistband of Kai’s pants before lowering them down his hips.

Kai sucked in a breath, eyes rolling back a little as Sehun fisted his hand around the base of his cock. He laced his fingers in Sehun’s hair, stroking it encouragingly as Sehun sank in, taking Kai into his mouth. His warm, tight, wet mouth. Kai’s breathing laboured and shallowed, his hand urging Sehun to go deeper, curled around the back of his neck.

“Sehun,” Kai let out, eyes focused on Sehun’s mouth that was wrapped so beautifully around his rapidly hardening cock. “That’s it. Fuck…”

Sehun retched and coughed a little when the cockhead hit the back of his throat. He pulled back and ran the tip of his tongue along the slit of the cockhead, keeping his watery gaze locked with Kai’s.

“I have… some condoms,” he said in a low, shy voice, looking to the bedside drawers. They were not Sehun’s condoms, of course. They were Kai’s, which he had left at Sehun’s place in case of… emergencies.

Kai drew him back up to kiss him sloppily on the mouth before laying him down on the bed. He momentarily climbed out of the bed to step out of his shoes and pants. Sehun unbuttoned his own trousers and sat up on the edge of the bed to get rid of them along with his shoes while Kai rummaged through the drawers before fishing out a used tube of lubricant and a pack of condom. Tossing them onto the bed, he brought his knees up to the mattress on either side of Sehun, slowly pushing him down to recline.

“How do you want me?” Kai asked, holding the back of Sehun’s head with a hand, resting his forehead against Sehun’s, lightly brushing their lips together.

Sehun kissed him once before he turned to lie on his stomach, burying a side of his face into the pillow. Kai smiled to himself and peppered Sehun’s shoulder blades with a few kisses before he knelt up to grab the pack of condom.

He drew his lips down Sehun’s spine all the way down to his tailbone. A guttural moan broke from Sehun’s throat when Kai swiped his tongue along the protruding tailbone before sliding it between the ass cheeks.

Kai watched Sehun bite into the pillow, his hands fisting around the sheets, as he tongued the puckered rim of muscle and kissed along the cleft. Straightening back up, he grabbed the lube and applied a generous amount to both his condomed cock and the cleft of Sehun’s ass before he leaned forward, pressing his chest against Sehun’s back.

It was nothing new to Sehun. He did not even seem as nervous as he used to be. Instead, he reached a hand back to grab onto Kai’s neck and brought his head up to kiss Kai hungrily.

When he was sure that Sehun was ready, Kai slid in, though not all the way in all at once. Sehun dropped his face back on the pillow and groaned as the head of Kai’s cock stretched him open.

“Okay?” Kai asked.

Sehun nodded, wincing and gasping. “I’m okay,” he said.

Kai slowly slid the rest of the way in and moaned roughly as Sehun clenched around him, warm and soft. “Relax,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to Sehun’s shoulder.

Sehun’s fingers that was buried in Kai’s hair dug into his scalp as Kai began to thrust, hips slamming against Sehun’s ass. He held onto Sehun’s waist, sliding in and out of him at a steady pace.

Sehun eventually turned around to lie on his back and envelope his legs around Kai’s waist as Kai slid back in. He desperately reached up, moaning and huffing, wordlessly asking Kai to kiss him. Kai leaned his head down and kissed Sehun’s lips as their sweaty bodies rubbed against one another. When Kai closed a hand around Sehun’s hardened shaft, he felt Sehun gasp quietly against his lips.

“Come for me,” Kai panted while stroking Sehun’s cock and kissed him feverously.

Clinging to Kai like his life depended on it, Sehun broke into moans and soft cries as Kai picked up the pace of his thrusts. “Kai,” Sehun whimpered with a familiar tremor in his voice. “I’m going to…”

He came before he could even finish. He clenched his eyes and bit into Kai’s shoulder as he shot out ropes of white all over Kai’s hand and abdomen. Grappling his arms around Sehun’s waist, Kai sat up, pulling Sehun up with him to sit on his lap.

He gave Sehun a moment to come down from his high before he claimed Sehun’s mouth again for a kiss. Holding onto Kai’s shoulders, Sehun rocked his hips, riding Kai’s cock while Kai dragged his mouth down Sehun’s chest to fill it with kisses.

“Fuck,” Kai hissed when he felt himself edge closer to his climax. Plopping Sehun back down on the bed, he rammed into Sehun a few more times before he came, groaning and trembling.

He then collapsed onto Sehun and stayed unmoving for minutes, catching his breath.

He did not pull out immediately either. He knew that Sehun liked it if he stayed inside him for a while longer even when they were done.

When he eventually did move and dropped on the bed beside Sehun, he hooked an arm around Sehun’s waist and pulled him close.

“Are you all right?” he asked as Sehun settled his head on Kai’s chest.

“I am,” the boy muttered, trying to reach for the blanket without moving his body much. When he finally grabbed it, he drew it over their spent, bare bodies.

“Is it okay… if I slept here tonight?”

Sehun nodded his head that was resting on Kai’s chest. “Yes.”

* * *

That night, Kai dreamed about his first encounter with Sehun. Not the one at school. But the first time he actually talked to Sehun. He was not sure if it were dream or if his mind were just replaying a memory that he should have long forgotten.

He remembered seeing Sehun at the candy store, painstakingly surveying the jellybeans in the jellybeans aisle before he finally decided to get a bunch of the red, green and yellow ones.

Later, on their way home, Kai had slapped the jellybeans out of Sehun’s hands after having mistakenly thought that Sehun was following him. Sehun had not thrown a fit. He had not fought back. Instead, he picked up the jellybeans from the sidewalk and proceeded home.

It was such a blurry memory, but Kai somehow still remembered it. The first time Sehun had talked to him. The first time he had heard Sehun’s voice.

When he woke in the morning, awakened by his buzzing phone, he sat up and hurriedly looked for his phone in the pile of clothes discarded on the floor. At his side, Sehun was still sleeping soundly.

“Dad?” he said hoarsely, answering the call.

“Is there a reason why my car is parked in the Ohs’ driveway?” his father asked in a stern tone.

Kai cleared his throat, leaning back against the headboard. He rubbed his eyes and sighed. “Long story. I’ll be home… in a while.”

“Leave him be!” he heard his mother hiss in the background. “You can take my car.”

“Shsh,” his father hissed back, as though he were struggling to push her off him. “Just bring it back when… you are done doing whatever it is that you are doing.”

“Sure, Dad,” Kai sighed, his cheeks and ears burning with embarrassment.

Ending the call, he glanced over to Sehun, who was stirring awake. He cracked an eye open and looked at Kai with a frown. Then he sat up, tugging at the blanket.

“I… need to get going,” Kai muttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

Sehun nodded without meeting Kai’s gaze.

Kai clambered out of the bed and started getting dressed. He paused after pulling his T-shirt on and faced Sehun. “Sehun, I need to know where we stand,” he said. “Are we friends? Boyfriends? Nothing?”

Sehun brought his head up and blinked at Kai tiredly. “I don’t think… I can go on without you in my life.”

Kai exhaled heavily. “So… friends?”

Sehun shook his head. “I love you, Kai,” he whispered. “I just can’t be just friends with you. Not anymore. Not after everything.”

Kai felt his heart skip a beat.

Sehun sat up straighter. “I think we should… try to make this work.”

Kai crawled back into the bed and took Sehun’s face in his hands. “I promise you, I will do better. I will never… ever take you for granted again, Sehun.”

“And I promise… I will… try to communicate better and give you your space. Things will be different. Especially after I go off to college, too. But I would rather work this out with you than… go on without you.”

“Same here,” Kai let out and brushed a kiss on Sehun’s forehead unable to stop grinning. “I love you. So much.”

Sehun wrapped his arms around Kai and buried his face in the crook of Kai’s neck.

It would be a new chapter for them both. But that was how life was. Nothing was constant except change. Facing change together would be far less scary than doing it alone. Sometimes, one must change themselves for the better. And it could be a good thing.


End file.
